Archive for February, 2012

Feb 3
Metallica

Metallica To Break Up? Big Announcement Set For Tuesday

Posted by Chris Harris on February 3, 2012 in Huh?, News, Sarcasm

On Tuesday, Metallica will be making a special announcement at 11 a.m., West Coast time. That’s the West Coast of the United States. There is no official word on what this special announcement is yet, but my sources tell me the band will announce its break-up. My source? I just interviewed this homeless chap who Read More

Jan 11
Alice In Chains

Jerry Cantrell Talks New Alice In Chains LP, Shoulder Surgery

Posted by Chris Harris on January 11, 2012 in In the Studio, News, Sarcasm

Yes sir. It’s real fucking engaging shit, folks. I mean…get ready to be fucking excited. RollingStone.com recently spoke with Jerry Cantrell of Alice In Chains about the impending follow-up to 2009‘s incredible Black Gives Way to Blue. We have known since July that they’ve been working on new shit. Welcome to the party, pal! If Read More

Dec 28
I smell sarcasm

Trivium Frontman Is Definitely Living The High Life

Posted by Chris Harris on December 28, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

Man, it must be rad being Matt Heafy. To be the guitarist in a big time metal band, with thousands of fans and all that fame…and that ability to both mimic James Hetfield’s vocals while somehow crouching AND playing guitar. But apparently, being the frontman for Trivium doesn’t always pay. I’m sure it pays. But Read More

Dec 16
She thinks Dokken is when you park a boat

Dokken Members Form New Band Tooth And Nail

Posted by Chris Harris on December 16, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

So, I don’t know about you, but when I think Tooth and Nail and music, I already associate that term with the label, Tooth & Nail. Not sure, then, why George Lynch and Mick Brown of Dokken would start something new, and give it that name. Tooth and Nail — which also features former Dokken Read More

Dec 15
They like ADTR

A Band Is Suing Victory Records? You Don’t Say

Posted by Chris Harris on December 15, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

This is not the first time nor the last time this will happen, am I right? Legal documents show that A Day To Remember filed a lawsuit against their label Victory Records on May 31st, 2011. The suit alleges breach of contract, disputed ownership of the band’s copyrighted works, money being owed and more. You Read More

Nov 21
DevilDriver's holiday bundle

DevilDriver Christmas Ornament Now Available

Posted by Chris Harris on November 21, 2011 in News, Sarcasm, Shamelessness

You know, that festive and commercialistic time of year is creeping up fast, and really, when I think of the reason behind the season, naturally, I think of DevilDriver. Nothing will tell the relatives — and anyone who visits your home during this holiday — that you’re a douche bag more than a DevilDriver Christmas Read More

Nov 9
Gojira

Roadrunner Officially Announces Gojira Signing

Posted by Chris Harris on November 9, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

I could have posted this news yesterday, but fuck it — you knew this Monday. Roadrunner Records has announced the addition of French whale-lovin’ progressive metal outfit Gojira to it’s stellar, near-flawless label roster. I can’t believe they landed Gojira. I hope this doesn’t fuck their sound up in any way. And I hope they’ll Read More

Nov 7
I'd be depraved with this broad

Deranged Release Video For “Depraved And Zombified”

Posted by Chris Harris on November 7, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

Hey kids. Look at those chesticles, would ya? Wanna see “Depraved And Zombified,” the new video from Swedish death metal maestros Deranged? I knew you would. That’s why the clip follows after the jump. The song comes off Deranged’s eighth full-length album, Cut, Carve, Rip, Serve, which was released in May via Sevared Records. Notice Read More

Oct 28
A beaten Whitney Cummings

God Wants Black Veil Brides Frontman Andy Biersack Dead

Posted by Chris Harris on October 28, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

Remember when that graceless frontdouche from Black Veil Brides tried to leap onto some stage from a pillar that was, like, 20 feet away and ended up crushing his feeble frame, destroying his ribs and innards? Well, now, God has tried to kill Andy Biersack once again. On stage the other night in Luxembourg, God Read More

Oct 22
Keith Caputo

Life Of Agony’s Keith Caputo Talks More About Being A Chick

Posted by Chris Harris on October 22, 2011 in News, Sarcasm

The Advocate has interviewed transgendered singer Mina Caputo, who we all used to know as Keith Caputo, about life in a band like Life of Agony, now that he’s come out as a chick. The interview covers a wide spectrum of topics, including how Keith felt as a kid (“When I was like 8 or Read More