Archive for May, 2013

May 22
Rob Zombie

Rob Zombie Comments On Ex-White Zombie Drummer’s Death

Posted by Chris Harris on May 22, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

Yesterday, we told you about the death of former White Zombie drummer Phil Buerstatte; he died over the weekend. Since then, Rob Zombie has come forward with a statement on Phil’s death. “Well, I heard rumors of this a few days ago but I wasn’t sure if they were true or not. But it seems Read More

May 13
Sid Wilson's new mask

Breaking News: Slipknot DJ Has New Mask

Posted by Chris Harris on May 13, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

Slipknot members getting new masks is the metal equivalent to Jennifer Aniston getting a new haircut. It’s fucking lame, but people — for reasons I will never know — fucking flip out over it. The last time the band debuted new masks, the internet nearly shut down from the massive traffic generated by the reveals. Read More

Mar 22
Belphegor

Big Surprise: Belphegor Album Delayed

Posted by Chris Harris on March 22, 2013 in New Records, News, Sarcasm

This never happens. Seriously. Every time Belphegor promise a record will be released, that record is released. They’ve never had any of their albums delayed. The Austrian blackened death metal act claim the release of their new album has been bumped to early 2014. The original plan was to have Nuclear Blast Records release it Read More

Mar 7
Opeth

Opeth Singer Says Something Controversial

Posted by Chris Harris on March 7, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

It’s true. If you consider the truth controversial, that is. I guess that’s why so many people don’t dig GSA: The truth can sting, and is often misconstrued as unfocused evil. In a new interview that will air today, Opeth’s Mikael Åkerfeldt tells Andrew Haug he’s none too fond of some of the newer stuff Read More

Feb 14
All That Remains

All That Remains Touring With HellYeah

Posted by Chris Harris on February 14, 2013 in News, Sarcasm, Tour Dates

I’m done. I quit. This will be the last post ever on GunShyAssassin. Clearly, my efforts are failing. Because All That Remains is touring with HellYeah. AND Nonpoint, a band no one ever cared about to begin with. When will this madness end?!?! Those dates follow at the end of this post.

Feb 9
Black Veil Brides

Warped Tour: The Most Metal Tour Ever, Possibly

Posted by Chris Harris on February 9, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

The most metal tour on the motherloving planet just got fucking ten times more metal! First, the Black Dahlia Murder signed on last month, and I complained (and still stand by what I said) that the tour didn’t meet the high metal standards of onetime GSA columnist Trevor Strnad. Now, they’ve added the likes of Read More

Feb 6
"As if we'd do another record..."

Morello: No New Rage Against The Machine Album

Posted by Chris Harris on February 6, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

WHY? It’d be so simple for you guys to do. I mean, it’s been so long since the last one. You’d think Zack’d have a lot to say! And that the riffs would be bountiful. The question keeps coming back around: What’s up with Rage Against The Machine? The answer stays the same: Fucking zip. Read More

Jan 31
Dimebag

App Claims To Teach You To Play Like Dimebag

Posted by Chris Harris on January 31, 2013 in Huh?, News, Sarcasm

I’d sooner believe an app could help me get more hummers than I’d believe an app could teach my uncoordinated ass, or your uncoordinated ass for that matter, to wield an axe like Dimebag Darrell Abbott. The app, the work of the U.K.’s Total Guitar magazine, is called “Play Guitar Like Dimebag Darrell,” and the Read More

Jan 29
Jerry mixes it up with the fans

5FDP Drummer Releasing Autobiography; Check Exclusive Excerpts

Posted by Chris Harris on January 29, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

No doubt worthy of a book on his life, Five Finger Death Punch drummer Jeremy Spencer has taken it upon himself to write his autobiography. It will be called “Deathpunched: Cheers To My Sobriety,” and will be out in early 2014. Lucky for us, we got our hands on an excerpt from the book, which Read More

Jan 27
Smooth move

Asking Alexandria Bassist Is Super Coordinated

Posted by Chris Harris on January 27, 2013 in News, Sarcasm

Asking Alexandria bassist Sam Bentley must unintentionally hit the butthole a lot when those underage groupies find their way onto the band’s bus. Dude is super fucking coordinated. Example: See that picture of Sam’s busted eye? He didn’t get that from fighting some other dude. His bass smashed him in the face. While he was Read More