Hot Metal Chick Learns Other Hot Metal Chicks On Style

Dumber than a dead dog

I know a particular girl whose name starts with “Z” who is going to go fucking off about this. And that’s why I am posting it. Today, over at MetalSucks, I noticed a video of what — at first glance — appeared to be a hot chick. At second glance, she’s more like a skinny Amy Lee with extensions. Either way, I’d stick her like a pig.

I happen to know that some hot chicks do this: They watch instructional videos on how to do their hair and makeup and shit. I’ve seen my neighbor do it a ton of times. Chicks make videos giving each other advice on how to be hotter. Tell me this isn’t a man’s world — I dare you!

In the video below, you can watch this busty young lass turn and jiggle and talk a lot. She reminds me of a girl I dated after college who never shut the fuck up. The girl is rocking a Suffocation shirt, and discusses the importance of wearing shirts of bands you “know and like.” This, from MetalSucks: “Do we think she really digs death metal, or do we think she just realized that her value in the metal world is like a gajillion times higher than her value in the mainstream world, given that metal is a total sausage fest and dudes will kill one another for anything with a hole and a pulse? (Actually the pulse is just, like, a bonus.)” Couldn’t have said it better. But I’ll try.

This vapid piece of box is basically the reason why there are no super smoking hot broads at metal shows: Super hot chicks don’t need to use their brains. They focus all of their energies on their looks, and coast through life on the shapeliness of their ass and utters. Hence, they never develop anything more than a brain stem with a piece of grease-covered gristle stuck to it. Metal is the kind of music you need something of a pensive mind to appreciate; this chick only goes to shows to suck off metal musicians in the bathroom or because her metal-loving boyfriend takes her. And he likes Suffocation so she likes Suffocation.

I’m curious as to how many dudes will beat off to this video. I remember a time when I could beat off to something like this: I was 9. It would take serious effort to rub one out to this clip nowadays, what with the abundance of teen anal porn out there. She’s still hot, and baby — if you’re ever in New York, look me up. I’ll teach you more about Suffocation…you suffocating on my wang, OH!

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About Chris Harris

Chris Harris is an internationally-published music journalist and writer whose work has appeared on the pages of Rolling Stone, IFC, Revolver, Alternative Press, and Radar. The former news editor for Noisecreep, Harris also served as co-host for the site’s weekly podcast, “Creep Show." Before that, he spent four years writing for MTV News.

  • TheeGoat

    Crass Harris

    • zeena

      LMAO crass harris should be your stage name

  • http://Duh,thatswhatthisis. Some dude on the internet

    I dont care if she sucks at metal, She’s fucking hot, and I would bash her vagina in like a caveman while listening to THE SWORD!

  • http://www.myspace.com/clawhammerpr Ryan Ogle

    She forgot to mention the part about getting herpes from the drum tech.

  • grim kim

    I’ve been a hot metal chick for years, and definitely look NOTHING like that broad. Someone’s doing it wrong, and it sure as hell ain’t me.

  • m/

    Damn, what is it with people, or, actully guys, totally denying the fact
    that REAL metal chicks can in fact be/look hot? (Now, I’m not talking
    about this chick. This is a conclusion I just made going through a
    couple of posts related to this video.) Wtf is that all about? If you’re
    a girl and you’re a metalhead,then what makes you “true” is looking
    like a freaking slob? And if you’re looking smokin’ then your boyfriend
    dragged you to a concert? People who think this sure are sad and
    probably jealous. Girls are probably jealous at other girls and guys are
    jealous at the girl’s boyfriend. Looking good has nothing to do with
    being a poser. Yes, there are good looking posers, but believe you me
    that doesn’t go for every person that actually makes an effort and works
    on their appearance.
    Well, I guess there’re are just so few of us… the real hot real metal chick-kind.
    Rock on losers,
    VC

  • metal fan

    Looking good does not make you a poser, not by a longshot.  I have no idea why everyone is so upset about this video, this girl obviously wants to help other girls look their best.  Also, wtf is up with the idea that to be a true metal fan, people have to give up on their physical appearance.  Have you been to a metal show lately?  Pick any band and I guarantee they have thought very carefully about their image.  Sometimes it takes more effort to look like you don’t care than it does to look like you do care.  

    If you watch the rest of this girl’s videos you’ll get a better picture of what she is trying to do.  She is trying to teach girls how to look their best, which is actually really selfless thing.This whole article just seems like misguided anger by someone who could never get a chick this hot.  Sorry!