So Ron was in the driver’s seat (Captain Ron) and I was in shotgun, and we were driving through Antarctica, Nebraska. The blizzard I mentioned last time in Tulsa? Wasn’t there. Winter Storm Victor, as the meteorologists so artfully christened it, was waiting for us in Nebraska.
It’s wretched reach spread all the way west through Wyoming and Colorado like the icy breath of a massive Frost wyrm. The whole landscape was bleak, frigid, and repetitive.
We had no cellular connection so when we typically use the 4G for YouTube comedy, we had to suffer through the Modern Hard Rock radio station. Holy shit, what a parade of who-gives-a-fuck? Song after song by Foo Fighters, Puddle Of Mudd, Deftones, and all sorts of late ‘90s bullshit I know nothing about.
And then, Mötley Crüe came on. I wouldn’t call myself a fan, but in the midst of all that other shit it sounded like Master of Puppets. E=MC2 has never been more right.
Speaking of Mötley Crüe, I’m reading their book “The Dirt” right now. That makes this blog damn near meaningless. I’ve never thrown furniture out of windows onto brand new BMWs, or had a girl knock on my hotel window just to come in and fuck me real quick, or shoot up speedballs on an hourly rate. If this is boring you, go read that book.
We’re in Seattle right now. We’re going to hang out with this dude later that was in a band with Kurt Cobain back in the ‘80s called Earth. Not Dylan Carlson, but supposedly this band was called Earth, too.
Apparently he doesn’t like being bugged to death about questions so Art and I are going to rip his fucking ear off. We’re even going to go check out the house where Kurt’s head got blown off. Good place to shotgun beers.
Instead, this time we did nothing. We did get some cool guitars from Dean delivered to the club so we got to check those out. We’re pretty stoked so far.
In Salt Lake City, we did a bunch of drugs and drank a bunch of beer. That cult stronghold is really growing on me. The kids are so isolated they take their music seriously and are not jaded or pathetic about their scene. They just want to have a good time. It’s a really important stop on our tours. Always a good place to recharge.
With the following day off I got a $250 hotel room on Priceline.com for $65. Holy shit! They had a $50,000 chandelier in the lobby. As soon as Eric and I walked inside to check in, the record scratched. But the concierge was really cute and friendly. I kept asking myself, “What would Vince Neil do?” Oh yeah. He’d be Vince Neil. I’m just Andrew Packer, pseudo-rock star and internet nerd blogger. Not going to happen.
Ladies, help me out here. Where is the inappropriate line? Should I have gone back and invited her to stop by after her shift for whiskey and weed? Should I have just asked her to come right then and there? Would that have been creepy, or exciting? If you give me some help on what kind of bold tactics would entice you, it will make this blog much more readable.
In other news, our tour with Valient Thorr and Ramming Speed was announced yesterday. If you know how to use Google, you can figure it out when we’re hitting your hood. If you don’t know how to use Google, write your congressman. If you don’t know how to write your congressman, uh, Google it.
Thanks for you time! Good night, and good sex.
Here’s where you can catch Gypsyhawk and smoke weed with them (but you bring the goods; they’re visiting your town):
3/28: Portland, OR @ Hawthorne Theater
3/29: Medford, OR @ Johnny B’s
3/30: Reno, NV @ Jub Jubs
3/31: South Lake Tahoe, CA @ Whiskey Dicks
4/1: Sacramento, CA @ On The Y
4/2: San Francisco, CA @ El Rio
4/3: San Diego, CA @ The Griffin
4/4: Los Angeles, CA @ The Joint
4/5: Bakersfield, CA @ On The Rocks
w/ Valient Thorr, Ramming Speed
6/12: Charlotte, NC @ Tremont Music Hall
6/13: Richmond, VA @ Kingdom
6/14: Baltimore, MD @ Wind-Up
6/15: West Chester, PA @ The Note
6/16: Boston, MA @ Great Scott
6/17: New York, NY @ The Studio at Webster Hall
6/18: Brooklyn, NY @ Saint Vitus
6/19: Rochester, NY @ Bugjar
6/20: Columbus, OH @ Ace Of Cups
6/21: Detroit, MI @ The Shelter
6/22: Chicago, IL @ Reggie’s
6/24: Minneapolis, MN @ 7th St Entry
6/25: Kansas City, MO @ Riot Room
6/26: Tulsa, OK @ Downtown Lounge
6/27: Dallas, TX @ Three Links
6/28: Houston, TX @ Fitzgerald’s
6/29: Austin, TX @ Red 7
6/30: New Orleans, LA @ Siberia
7/1: Pensacola, FL @ Vinyl Music Hall
7/2: Gainesville, FL @ High Dive
7/3: Tampa, FL @ The Orpheum
7/4: Orlando, FL @ Will’s Pub
7/5: Atlanta, GA @ The Earl
7/6: Raleigh, NC @ King’s Barcade