Bret Michaels To Give STDs To Miss Universe Contestants

Bret Michaels

Poison’s Bret Michaels has had one hell of a five years. For starters, VH-1 has found him slutty professional groupies to bang for years…and then paid him for it. Not once but a couple of times. And then they put it on television, making Bret a reality television star and fodder for “The Soup.” He was clocked in the head by a descending stage prop, won Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice,” and had a fucking vein burst in his brain only to start touring two weeks later or something like that.

Bret Michaels can not be killed by conventional means. He’s like Keith Richards. When you’ve bedded as many broads as these guys have, my theory is vagina starts giving you life. They need it to survive. It’s keeping them kicking. Now, Bret’s good life is about to get even better, as he’ll be hosting the 2010 Miss Universe pageant.

Rima Fakih

That means Bret’s going international in his hunt for trim — again. I wonder how many Miss Universe contestants will come away from this pageant with herpes. Or tuberculosis. Maybe he’ll even infect “Today Show” anchor Natalie Morales, who is co-hosting the big show with Bret.

Of course, knowing the Donald helped Bret land the gig: Trump owns the Miss Universe Organization. Trump’s also sipped from a lot of chalices in his time. I, too, believe he’s amassed enough puss in his time that it’s now actually giving him more years. I am telling you, 21-year-old snatch is the Fountain of Youth.

Wonder if Bret’s into ethnic chicks? If so, he’d definitely like Rima Fakih, the 24-year-old Michigan chick who is Miss USA. Damn, I would totally put babies on her face. Ropes, son — ROPES!

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About Chris Harris

Chris Harris is an internationally-published music journalist and writer whose work has appeared on the pages of Rolling Stone, IFC, Revolver, Alternative Press, and Radar. The former news editor for Noisecreep, Harris also served as co-host for the site’s weekly podcast, “Creep Show." Before that, he spent four years writing for MTV News.