Five Finger Death Punch’s Album Goes Gold

The worst band ever

FUCKING BULLSHIT!

How? HOW?!?! Who the fuck is buying Five Finger Donkey Punch’s music? I personally don’t know a living soul who’d support this roid-rock, but then again, I don’t hang around highway rest stops.

Today, a press release announced that the ironically-named American Capitalist was certified gold in the U.S.

That means more than 500,000 copies of the record have been shipped to stores. Who knows? Half may end up in the bargain bin by next spring.

This is the band’s THIRD album to reach that mark.

Couldn’t have happened to a bigger bunch of dickholes.

Oh, and get this shit — band guitarist Zoltan Bathory thinks his band’s success is a good thing for everyone.

“I think it’s a huge win for all of us,” said that clueless asshole. “Not just for us as a band but for the entire genre of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal. This is a loud and clear indicator that heavy music is in demand and if a relatively new band like us can accomplish something like this, then maybe be this is just the prelude for the shape of things to come.”

Can’t someone arrange a bus accident here?

And hey — fuck you, Brandon Webster. You fucking waste of sperm and eggs.

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About Chris Harris

Chris Harris is an internationally-published music journalist and writer whose work has appeared on the pages of Rolling Stone, IFC, Revolver, Alternative Press, and Radar. The former news editor for Noisecreep, Harris also served as co-host for the site’s weekly podcast, “Creep Show." Before that, he spent four years writing for MTV News.

  • Robert Gonzalez

    BItter dude? Table for one. Mr. Bitter dude who didn’t get into a show on a count of sucking – your table is now ready.

  • Guest

    Nice work “bra” ! I see your level of intelligence and your writing skills are just not improving no matter how hard you try…. seriously, writing IS a skill and it’s ironic when you critic anyone while this “skill” of yours is in such a poor shape… wit and style is not your forte we get it BUT Check this out “Bra” – You had your chance to call any of us dickholes and clueless asholes ‘face to face’ …but all you could do is just stand front of us and stutter tough guy… don’t write checks you can’t cash you fucking pussy…

    • http://www.facebook.com/zoltanbathory5FDP Zoltan Bathory

      Hey “Bra” – I signed this… I posted it under my name “Zoltan Bathory” – not a guest or anonymous…

      • http://www.facebook.com/knucklehead96 Tristen Lang

        Zoltan Bathory isn’t a punk either; he’s a hard worker so quit talking shit “homie”

        • http://facebook.com/metalchick007 Lisa Renee’ Jones

          BOOM!!! “bra”, you just got “punked” by Zoltan, ya doucher.
          Five Finger Death Punch is the only band since Pantera to even keep the name of “Heavy Metal” realistic and under the category of “actual talent”. Fucking amazing talent, “bra”. Recognize.

          • Xander

            WHAT
            Ok my mind has officially been blown. I had no idea people were this stupid.
            The world is a much darker place now…

      • Xander

        Zoltan don’t you have better things to do than comment on a blog post, like cashing all those cheques from writing cookie-cutter songs which appeal perfectly to dude-rock fans?

        While you’re at it, though, I guess you could actually write something interesting for once. Instead of repeating the same two songs (which aren’t even very good either musically or lyrically) on all three of your albums.

        I’d be interested to see what you think of Devin Townsend, John Petrucci, Chuck Schuldiner, Karl Sanders… You know, guys with talent that don’t write formulaic bullshit like your sorry excuse for a band does.

      • Lil M Rocker

        who was that weasel?….just anotherrrr writer….just what we need more disrespectful, uneducated, verbal vomit from some ass who thinks his useless opinion matters.,,,,wheres his GOLD?….for having 500,000 of anything?…..
        Lil Ms Rocker…in NZ

    • christhescribe

      Well, that’s one version of what happened. I did call you assholes, so, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. You had your security there, and I was with my girl. Gang up, much? I am a fucking pussy, I guess. You are what you eat. You must eat rockstar-attitude having douchebags.

      • http://www.facebook.com/ZenValo Jared Gertzen

        I guess Chris is just looking for attention. Looks like it’s all negative though! Death Punch 1 – Chris Harris 0!

      • Suck It Long, Suck It Hard

        My dying wish is to punch you in the face, Chris.

        • TallerThan5’10″

          My dying wish is to watch you midgets get your asses handed to you by metal heads. One bad line-up choice from some promoter and it’ll be all over Youtube. It will be beautiful.

      • http://www.facebook.com/tiffany.smith.374 Tiffany Smith

        wow….what a comeback!!! Did you steal that from a 15 year old?

        • christhescribe

          Yes

          Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4GLTE smartphone

          —– Reply message —–

      • chris girl my bitch

        I bet your girlfriend ugly as shit you goofy bastard

  • Roughneck

    Hey fuckface…you’re an idiot. Find a new hobby, because your music opinions suck donkey dick. Pussy.

  • Josh jando.

    Your a fucking pussy. You scared little bitch. Say this shit to their face. You punkass bitch. FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

  • onlyme

    Get over it. All you do is cry & Bitch. You don’t like them.we get it. Stfu already.

  • z3ro

    sounds like you have lots of sand in your vagina. cry baby.

  • http://www.facebook.com/reva.seay Reva Seay

    oh poor little thing mommy must have stopped breast-feeding you before you were 6,if you do not like a band simply say i dont like this band,i have met these guys and all of them are awesome,they make kick ass music,i dont see you up on stage night after night doing what they are doing,but i do see them writing blogs that are way better than the shit you spew forth against them.I think you secretly listen to their music while sitting in your pathetic little world that i hope you enjoy.no not really………………

  • brandy

    Wow dude, really? Wtf is your problem? Five Finger Death Punch is an absolutely AMAZING band! You clearly lack in the good taste department

  • Anonymous

    What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll
    have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve
    been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300
    confirmed kills. I am trained in guerrilla warfare and I’m the top
    sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just
    another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of
    which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.
    You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the
    Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret
    network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so
    you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the
    pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I
    can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways,
    and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained
    in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United
    States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your
    miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only
    you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever”
    comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your
    fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the
    price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will
    drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

    • http://www.facebook.com/ZenValo Jared Gertzen

      You forgot to write who you were referring to…

    • guest

      Blah blah blah… random
      Shhhhhh he’s hunting IP addresses

    • http://www.facebook.com/knucklehead96 Tristen Lang

      I like you a lot Anonymous Person! My cousin is in boot camp to be a Navy Seal! m/

    • http://www.facebook.com/tonya.mcmullen.9 Tonya McMullen

      Wow, simmer down hot sauce. He is not worth the resources, whomever your referring to.

    • EataBag

      Oh god, please try. Please do something so fucking stupid that you’ll get thrown in the hole for life. Honestly, there’s no fucking way any of this is true. You’re just some weak little faggot who thinks that since no one gives anywhere near enough of a shit to check your record. I should note that the spacing errors make it blindingly obvious who you are.

      • Anonymous

        Just Google “Internet Tough Guy Copypasta.” It’s a fucking joke, dude.

    • http://www.facebook.com/tiffany.smith.374 Tiffany Smith

      A real bad ass wouldn’t have to make threats over the computer and talk about how big and bad he was. He would take pride in just knowing it. All the trash talk and threats make you sound like a scared little boy trying to make himself feel better.

  • http://www.facebook.com/krystal.parton Krystal Parton

    5finger is fuckin amazing.. fuk this bitter dude.. some of the best guys I’ve ever met next to corey muthafuckin taylor..

  • http://www.facebook.com/ZenValo Jared Gertzen

    You are a fucking Douchebag Chris Harris. What I just wrote previous to this sentence has more facts than your entire poorly worded blog post. That said, go back to choking on dick.

  • Christ Almighty

    You could quite possibly be the biggest waste of skin I’ve ever encountered. You’ve appeared on Rolling Stone? Bullshit, no you haven’t. Revolver? Good joke, pal.

    You make me hate the fact that I’m a writer. You make me ashamed to be published at all. You make me embarrassed to be associated with you in any way.

    Go drink all the chemicals under the sink, you talentless dipshit.

  • guest

    Shows how much you know about the band. Kinda like how you are really a ‘professional’ writer. Give it up. You are nothing more than a hack who cant really make it as a writer in the real world so you decide to bash a great band and a great group of guys. They deserve all their success and you deserve to get tossed out of their shows. Which is the only reason youre so bitchy. You couldnt impress your little girlfriend by getting her into a show for free

  • http://www.facebook.com/angelo.iorio.56 Angelo Iorio

    Hey child rapist lookin’ dude…You are such an uninformed waste of flesh. Not only do 5FDP kick ass, they are super supporters of the military and I have been lucky to check them out here in Kuwait 2 times…and after every kick ass show, they take the time to meet and greet EVERY soldier and civilian that comes sees them. What have you done for your country lately besides…well…besides fucking nothing. Do yourself a favor, and swallow the end of a 9mm. Judging from your article, seems you know what it means to swallow!

  • Whitney Grames

    I’ve met them all several times, they are actually some of the most down to earth guys I’ve met so I’m assuming when you reference their “rockstar attitudes” what you’re actually referring to is their unwillingness to accept your lack of manners and entitled attitude. They are musicians but they are humans too. You seem to be awfully brave while sitting behind the safety of a computer screen spouting off juvenile insults all the while not offering an informed or mature opinion about a single thing. Of course they told you to get lost, let’s call a spade a spade-you’re an ignorant asshole!

  • Steve

    All of these posts crack me up. Worse than a bunch of high school kids. Unsubscribing to this crap as of…now.

  • Anon

    Hi, oh wait wait ,while I get you a giant mug of “fuck off and die”, now it seems you weren’t hugged enough as a child. Shall I introduce you to Jerry Sandusky???? Your obvious lack of musical taste and picture confirms my suspicion that you sir/ma’am are a tranny, that really needs to come out of the closet to feel better about yourself

  • http://www.facebook.com/mikayla.batchelor.3 Mikayla Batchelor

    ~Awww Chris are you still whinning like a little baby cause you didn’t get ur way? U def.are a very immature/indecent human being. I mean come on if you were even a good “journalist” then you would be professional and not sayin shit like u want someone to get into a bus accident, dickholes, and all that other mess that u said on ur last post about them. Ive personally met Brandon&the rest of the guys and i tell u one thing…they’re not the waste of sperm..YOU ARE. So i suggest you go back to school or you mom to grow the hell up!!!~Death Punch is the best band out their&here is the proof “Five Finger Death Punch’s Third Album Goes Gold” :)~

  • http://www.facebook.com/carrieliedortiz Carrie Ortiz

    You call that writing? I admit, I am a nurse, not a writer as you will see by my writing… but to attack the band members? If you don’t like their music, just say that don’t be an asshole and call them names. Their success is a good thing for up and coming metal bands, as a person who has been a fan of FFDP since the beginning to see them become so well known and I see the bands that get to open for them also start to get a measure of succcess! So please, take my momma’s advice, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all…in other words.. shut your piehole!

  • http://www.facebook.com/tjblankenship Travis James Orion Blankenship

    man fuck you and your music Zolton. and tell your fucking drummer to take some lessons man. I’m pretty sure people are getting tired of hearing the same beat all the fucking time

    • http://www.facebook.com/bladesman91 John Indecisive Bird

      You obviously haven’t heard any of their songs and need too get a grip and learn something about music theory asshole

  • http://www.facebook.com/stone2680 Billy Burke

    Not once has the FUCKTARD stated why he hates FFDP so badly. His comments are a waste of breath for the readers, COMPLETELY groundless, and downright utterly ducking offensive.

    Hey ‘Chris Harris’, if that’s your real name…. Someone’s bout to shit on your shortcake and you ain’t gonna like it. You better be prepared for the Maelstrom that you’ve just unleashed!!! Dude, you’re fucked!!!

    • christhescribe

      The reason I don’t dig on 5FDP is that they actually confuse certain segments of the populace into thinking what they do is “metal.” Not so. Plus, they’re pretty shameless in their chase for the mighty dollar.

      This blog — in addition to being an outlet for my personal opinion and a means for promoting bands I actually do think are “metal” without exploiting and capitalizing on the term — is also something of a sociological experiment I’m undertaking. And it’s never not fascinating. Depressing sometimes, but fascinating.

      My style or sense of humor isn’t for everyone; I realize I can be brash, but I also feel that’s part of the appeal to the site…that you’re just not getting this sugar-coated, ass-sucking drivel you get at most other sites.

      Either way, you people need to chill. Or thicken up that skin.

      • http://www.facebook.com/knucklehead96 Tristen Lang

        You’re getting disowned by the Knucklehead population dumb fuck so shut the hell up!

      • http://www.facebook.com/tonya.mcmullen.9 Tonya McMullen

        I don’t think your blog is strong enough to promote any band, your opinions aren’t opinions their judgments against others and they are insulting.

      • http://www.facebook.com/bladesman91 John Indecisive Bird

        Have you even listened too any of their songs? Maybe you should before you talk shit, butlick

  • Jewelry My Tattoo

    You’re kidding right? Bad move. You’re knocking a metal band where the people have spoken through thier sales. In a age where people are stealing music they’re doing amazing because they’re good. I’m not impressed with your bio and I’ve never heard of your blog before and won’t waste my time again. Bad feedback is not good for broke writers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/TommygunsThompson Nick TommyGuns Thompson

    You are a fucking moron! You and people like you should indulge in some arsenic flavored enema’s! Oh yeah fuck you Chris!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003214525326 Brandon Lee

    Well 5fdp is the shit, Zoltan is an inspiration. Haters are gonna hate, i have been inspired by the music, and its kept me off the streets. Ivan Moody is a great vocalist as well. If I am hated for posting this I could care less. I am a loyal fan supporting one of my faveorite bands.

  • IHATEtheENTITLED

    Hey entitled Hampton’s CUNT. Whatsamatta DICK?? Didn’t get your way like you’re used to so you talk shit about these guys? TYPICAL FUCKING ENTITLED LIB COCK SUCKER living off mommy and daddy’s trust fund!!!

    I could hear it now… As you get to the show telling your girl friend how “IN” you are because of your metal blog site. Telling her how you didn’t buy tickets because you’ll get right in because of WHO you are!!! WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG you are!!!

    • christhescribe

      I’m not a trust fund kid. I’m the son of a cop…the spawn of working folks. So, choke on a chalupa you dumb ass.

      • Bryan

        You should have been left on the crack of your mothers ass. Dickbags like you slip through the cracks every day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alex.herring.165 Alex Herring

    Death Punch is terrible. They started out okay at best, and in my opinion (and many others I know), have morphed into generic, watered down radio-rock, I’m not against them as people, but I dislike their music as a whole.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.rabanus Lisa Rabanus

    I did a little checking on you Mr, Harris. It’s called research, something that you, as a writer, should know. But you weren’t trained as a writer, were you? You received a BS (appropriate) in Psychology. I wonder what the Freudian school of thought would be about a guy with a Psychology degree who becomes a reporter, and then uses those writing skills (and I use that term loosely) to lash out at others. Are you compensating for sexual inadequacies? That question was rhetorical. I also noticed you can’t keep a real job, other than “freelance writer,” for more than four years. So it looks like you hate everyone, not just successful hard rock band members. Whatever former music-related jobs you had in the past have obviously filled your head with delusions that your opinion matters. The person with the blog who purports to be an expert with numerous credentials should be writing professional “articles,” not profane personal attacks. If that is what you want to do, you should create a different page call it “I have a small penis and hate rock bands,” and remove your bio. You are embarassing yourself.

    • christhescribe

      If only you actually knew how big it is…

      • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.rabanus Lisa Rabanus

        I’m sure it is, I’m sure it is…keep rubbing it and maybe a genie will pop out and grant you your three wishes–a big penis, writing skills, and friends.

        • Xander

          He was talking about Google, not his penis.
          Well done though, for a “Knucklehead” you have a slightly stronger than tenuous grasp of language.

          • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.rabanus Lisa Rabanus

            Actually, Xander, he separated those comments,thereby showing they related to different subjects. But I am sure he appreciates that someone, albeit another obvious anti-5FDP person, has his back.

    • christhescribe

      Congrats…you know how to use Google.

      • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.rabanus Lisa Rabanus

        You should learn.

  • chris.harris.is.a.douche

    Chris Harris, you sound like a hater, and even worse…..completely uneducated. It also sounds like you wanted to get backstage to impress your date (what was his name again?) and you couldn’t because you have no shred of credentials. So you decided to bash the band to cover up your embarrassment. that about right?

  • http://www.facebook.com/knucklehead96 Tristen Lang

    All the knuckleheads around the world want to kick your ass Chris, so honestly shut the hell up.. You just make us laugh and want to piss on your grave when you die…. – Knucklehead

  • guest

    this guy is just jealous because 5fdp while he just sat and scratched his ass. he’s dissing metal bands because he’s to stupid to say anything else.

  • Jewelry My Tattoo

    Haha I looked up your name in our “little secret book” and looks like you’ve been black listed. If you’re a writer in the music business may I suggest changing your name?

    • christhescribe

      What else is new?

  • Getoveryourselves

    What a bunch of fucking cry babies on this thread. Though i thought their first album was decent for rock, they’re not that special. Zoltan looks like a bitch for this. If he was metal, one writer wouldnt affect him this much. He’s a butt rock baby with an apparent diva attitude. I don’t always agree with Chris, but he’s entertaining. It is apparent that the ffdp fans on here dont know what entertainment is, which is now understandable as to why.

  • Dawn Fricano

    Aww someones not too happy that they were snubbed. Not only is Five Finger Death Punch a phenomenal fucking band, they are a phenomenal group of individuals! They are so in tune with their fans and every song they sing is relatable to almost EVERYONE i know in some way shape or form. To call them roid-rock is indicative of one thing only and that is that you are a mental midget. Mental Midget meaning Zoltan was right to say you have no wit, no intellect and id even go so far as to say you are a has been who is still trying to be someone current. Aint gonna happen man when you slam one of the best bands ive ever seen in this biz. So you didnt get free tickets to their show… shrug, It’s called rejection dude, get used to it as i am sure you will get alot more of it in life! First and last time i read your lame blog, i find it quite simply trash and you are frankly boring. Rock on 5FDP, i will continue to buy your albums, see your concerts and support you in any way i can! You guys are the shit and your FANS love you!!!! Oh and Chris Harris… fuck off :D

  • Sky

    Nice and simple everyone has their own taste of music. Hey look at that they went Gold! Even if you don’t like them they still went Gold and are banking the bucks. So they get the last laugh.

  • WTF!!!!

    DUDE YOU’RE A FUCK’N DICK!!!! What the fuck do you know about music ” nothing ” this is the most unprofessional article i have ever seen, it’s because of fuck’s like you that are making the music industry go to shit, why don’t you just keep reviewing the bullshit music that is spoon fed to the public from dick heads like you. FUCK OFF!!!!

  • http://twitter.com/scooteronomy Scooter Hendon

    God, this comment thread is fucking amazing. If you’re that butt hurt over someone’s purposefully baiting post about a shitty band, you might want to get some perspective. Keep on, Chris.

  • Kyle Black

    I think you need to chill the fuck out man. Come back when you’re an accomplished writter, and not some asshole with too much time on your hands and not enough porn to keep you busy, yeah? Xoxo, Kyle.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Trey0Bien Trey Lee Montpetit

      Is a writter anything like a writer?

  • Eric

    It’s amazing how little grasp of the English language Chris Harris has. Since he can’t support his point of view with quantifiable points that would stem from an actual education he chooses to slander people and drag them through the mud since that is the only place he chooses to live.

    Does Chris Harris actually play an instrument or have any working knowledge of music theory? I would venture to guess the answer is no. So there would be no way for him to support his views of the music since he probably can’t identify what key a single song is being played in. Nor do I guess he is capable of identifying when the music would modulate into another key. God forbid Chris might even know what time signature is being used for any song let alone a single song.

    Based on his writing skills, and the fact that he looks like Justin Bieber, I question what his educational background is. I doubt that if he actually completed a college course in writing because the evidence of his ability to write would surely guarantee a failing grade. I would almost give him credit for basic skills such as spelling and then I am loudly reminded that he is a product of computers and probably knows how to use spell check when the truth of the matter is that his typing is automatically corrected by the computer as it suggests spellings of words it thinks he wants and then he selects from those choices.

    Now let’s look at his grammar. He clearly doesn’t know how to use a comma. Instead he thinks a dash is an appropriate punctuation mark. He also doesn’t seem to know that standard writing etiquette uses two spaces following a period after closing a sentence. Further identifying his strong writing skills demonstrates that he actually thinks that there is a dash between “ironically” and “named”. Excuse me Chris, what kind of word are you trying to manufacture with “ironically-named”? Also, Chris don’t you know that names of things get the first letter capitalized? That’s actually common knowledge for anyone who gets through grade school

    Another point of contention is when Chris comments on hanging out at “highway rest stops”. Again, I wouldn’t know any differently by the choice of words that he’s using which clearly demonstrate that he is quite likely a gutter dweller. My question for anyone who read this far is how do you get through to someone like Chris who is clearly stuck on sun dial and really needs to get on stop watch. If Chris didn’t get that inference please allow me to clarify this point for him. I was directly making a comment regarding him and riding the short bus to school.

    Now there is Chris Harris the critic to contend with. Since Chris can’t create anything of value he clearly believes that the only way to get attention is to tear down other people. As evidenced by his actions, he strongly believes in the crab theory. Simply put if you have a bunch of crabs in a bucket and one tries to climb out you will see the others try and pull it back in. Ultimately, Chris is a hebetudinous individual. Please allow me to define that word for Chris who clearly is mentally challenged. The word “hebetudinous” means slow and lethargic especially in the mind. As evidenced by Chris’ article he clearly qualifies as hebetudinous.

    When you look at the list of credits that are listed for him I think it is evident that he is the kind of vulture who waits for opportunities to slide in on someone else’s coat tails. I completely agree with Zoltan regarding Chris Harris. I know touring is hard work and I know that FFDP works extremely hard.

    To the band, I wish you continued success. Congratulations on your album going Gold.

    • Xander

      tl;dr

  • steven

    people buy it because its a good band there out touring the world and what have you been doing with your life other than starting shit from behind a screen fucking keyboard warrior

  • Sigmar

    I really don’t get it why people are raging about this. I mean, Chris never said that this site would be objective or fair to any of the bands that he’s writing about – not that I know of, at least. It’s always been this way. He writes what he thinks, and if you don’t agree than it’s too bad, you could at least laugh at it, right?

    • http://www.facebook.com/Trey0Bien Trey Lee Montpetit

      Because ffdp are pussies, and so are their fans for the most part. You’ve just got a couple of keyboard warriors chomping at the bit to makee themselves feel important and tough.

      • http://www.facebook.com/bladesman91 John Indecisive Bird

        I’d like too hear you say that too their face. I’m a massive fan of the band and I’m certainly not what you call a “pussy”. Look at your comments before you post them. Otherwise you could end up in a lot of shit

  • jon smith

    Safe bet this moron was denied a Backstage pass and decided to take it out an the band int he is fashion. Classy. Hope your review promos dry up.

  • TJ

    Mother fucker I will eat the souls of your unborn children and suck the soul from your body through a fucking straw if I ever see you in public or hear about you talking shit about Death Punch again. Fuck you. YOU are a waste of sperm and eggs you fucking punk ass low-life dick sucker puppy dog bitch cunt. I will turn your ass into dog food. I hope satan fucks you with a pineapple. Daily. You shizzledick mother fucker. I hope you hang yourself in your closet.

  • BlinkyBooBoos

    this is pathetic haha what a way to display your jelousy, just know that the entire if not the majority of the metal community now hate you ‘Chris Harris’ for your badmouthing bullshit, do you feel big now you’ve posted this? hope so, atleast that’ll give you more confidence with your girlfriend… have a good day, cunt.

    • christhescribe

      Hey Adam…what would you know about the metal community? You listen to Five Finger Dick Munch. You are outside of the metal community, you fuck.

  • sickofit

    how does such a guy with such poor writing skills like this get to do work for big places like rolling stone and revolver. i call bullshit if you showed this to some one at rs and asked for it to be featured thay would just laugh right in your face i meen come on five finger donkey punch you sound like a fuckin five year old allthow thats probably your intention since hate is thay only way your attempts at a review get noticed

  • http://www.facebook.com/tonya.mcmullen.9 Tonya McMullen

    This review is complete nonsense! Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and tastes but ummmm you might want to open your ears and re-listen. FFDP IS a great band! Well put together great energetic music and awesome vocals (yeah the singer actually has a voice and he can sing!) plus his voice doesn’t compete with the music everything is cohesive – I don’t like you Chris Harris, seems you got a little butt hurt over something and your giving the guys a bad rap, so with that instance your petty little review means nothing. Someone needs to throw your ASS in the PIT!!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/bladesman91 John Indecisive Bird

    Hello dicksplat. How about you start acting your age and realise that the band don’t perticually give a SHIT what you think of them. Just cause you failed in life doesn’t mean you have the right too insult one of the greatest Heavy Rock / Heavy Metal bands since the likes of Iron Maiden. Just cause you don’t like them doesn’t give you the right too slander their name and what they do. Next time you try too do anything like this, stop to think and realise exactly what you are doing and saying. They have gotten this far because they are good and obviously talented and liked by millions. Save yourself some embarrasment and don’t post anything like this again otherwise, you wont be doing this for much longer

  • Release the Beast!

    This comment board is now sponsored by Monster Energy Drinks.

    • christhescribe

      That is the funniest thing I have read in forever

  • YOU’RE AN AWFUL WRITER

    who are you? just a little skinny ass punk behind a computer screen who has contributed absolutely NOTHING to society. so why dont you just quit? you’re absolutely useless, and i hope to God you saw Zoltan’s response to this on facebook. RIPPED YOU A NEW ONE!

  • Xander

    So the comment threat has turned into a sweaty mass of chestbeating Five Finger Dog Penetrator fans who probably wait in line for three days to go see Slipknot or some shit. It’s amazing how butthurt some of these people are getting.

    And just a friendly reminder – commercial success doesn’t always mean good. I mean, just look at Katy Perry. And while it’s hilarious reading how angry these people are getting, it’s a bit over the top considering it’s just an article on a metal news blog.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, Chris. Don’t let some 25 year olds who still live with their mothers get to you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/tiffany.smith.374 Tiffany Smith

      Wow….so everyone who listens to 5FDP is 25 and lives with their mother? That’s an interesting observation. I’ve been on my own since I was 17, I’m now 28, still living on my own, working, in school and have a family and I’m a huge fan. You can’t stereotype people just because of the type of music they listen to. That’s the same as stereotyping a race or breed of dog. It’s not right, makes you sound ignorant, and just rude. You don’t have to like the band or their music, but why not let them enjoy theirs while you enjoy yours? Instead of spouting out insults to make yourself feel big, bad and imprtant?

  • http://www.facebook.com/tiffany.smith.374 Tiffany Smith

    I’m right there with you. I would pay money to watch some of these people say these things to the band personally. Especially Zoltan. All the martial arts and MMA fighting he practices, that would be on funny show!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/Trey0Bien Trey Lee Montpetit

      I’d be more than happy to. What’s he going to do? Is he going to fight me? Let him. If his skin is so thin that he can’t take an insult, then I can’t wait to see how pathetic his pain tolerance is. Don’t get me wrong, even then he’d probably kick my ass if he came at me. I’m a decade and a half younger, probably in worse shape, have had far less training and he’s Hungarian (ask a Hungarian why that’s relevant). Still, what would it say about a guy if he’d kick the ass of some random dickhead that’s far less able because he hates his music and slams it on the internet? That is the EPITOME of being a bitch– a bitch with a bite, but still a bitch. You guys having your noses so far up their asses you can see teeth isn’t going to change that.

  • Harrissucks

    Seriously Chris? You’re such a douche bag! Your skills as an “internationally published” journalist leaves a lot to be desired. Let’s just pray you don’t have any understudies! You just kissed your career goodbye! What dumbass! Maybe you should consider getting a vasectomy, as I see it, you’re the one who is a waste of sperm. By the way “dickhole”, men do not produce eggs! How can a man be a waste if eggs? You may want to proofread your work before you publish garbage like this! I feel sorry for you… said no one ever!

  • Xander

    You misunderstand. I’m defending my friend. You, however, are defending a godawful band that defies belief as to how they have fans in the first place, let alone how they have three Gold albums.

  • http://www.facebook.com/AimiIcecatBaldwin Aimi Icenogle Baldwin

    Best bunch of ‘dickholes’ I’ve had the pleasure to work with. What, did you get stomped on in one of their pits? Didn’t get a special interview? This isn’t writing- it’s an immature rant.

  • Griffin Brown

    The chris harris fucker looks like a dike…. just saying. Oh, and shout out to Zoltan, you need to come to fucking Ky, I swear we’ll turn out.d

  • Five Finger Shit Poop

    I like Five Finger Shit Poop about as much as I like getting the runs after having Mexican food. Not at all. Everything about the band screams “I wear Affliction/Tapout shirts, subscribe to all the latest trends, and this is what I think heavy metal is because I’M FUCKING HARD CORE! COME AT ME BRO!” You fucking ass-clowns sit here and defend a band who completely fucked up covering BAD COMPANY! How can you possibly fuck that up, really? There’s no more than 7 chords in the entire song. OH! I know! By having ZERO FUCKING TALENT.

    tl;dr- Band sucks, no talent, 0/10 would not hold hands with

  • http://www.facebook.com/Trey0Bien Trey Lee Montpetit

    OHAI Here’s some pentatonic. What, not enough? Have some Natural harmonic minor. Wow, talk about skill and ingenuity.

  • Chonchko

    I just don’t get how the shittiest bands have such rabid followings. Come on guys. Use that vitriol to defend a band worth defending, not one that’s mass-marketed and swimming around in undeserved money from writing lowest-common-denominator “rock”. Support a local, an indie band…anything. If you find something popular you like, there’s something “underground” that you’ll like even more.

  • http://www.facebook.com/CottonHEADEDNinnieMUGGINZZ Joseph TakingbackControl Wooda

    Dude you can take ur fucking article and shove in ur supposed bad ass. U need not talk shit about zoltan or any of the members of this great band, because they have an knucklehead army behind them, and the reason these records hit gold, is simply because they are amazing and send an actual message, unlike the shit you pull outta your untalented ass, knuckle up or shut up you weasley punk ass

  • http://www.metalitalia.com/ maurizio borghi

    Haha Chris Harris you’re a loser. 5FDP rules.