Lamb of God frontman Randy Blythe was on Twitter before, talking about poo. He started asking his fans what methods they use, and to send in shit stories. This inspired Randy to share his own post-defecation wiping methods.
“The ONLY correct and ETHICAL way to wipe your ass,” Blythe offered. “In these economically uncertain times and with new diseases popping up like bad Republican presidential prospects, this manner of wipeage is CRITICAL to continuation of civilization as we know it, perhaps even the VERY SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN RACE. As taught to me, by my Dad, you wipe sitting down, front to back, and you FOLD the paper. I’ll address each facet of this individually.”
OK — here we go.
“#1. Front to back- I’m glad to hear that NO ONE advocated back to front — this is unhygienic, especially for women. My God, dingleberries in the bush? HORRIFYING. WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING? Or shit on your balls? You will NEVER get teabagged if your nuts have the SLIGHTEST aroma of poo. GROSS. Front to back: for yourself, for your family, for your friends….FOR AMERICA. (fuck yeah!)”
I love Randy and wish he’d write a column for us. But his publicist would never allow it.
“#2. Folded toilet paper. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS folded — UNLESS things are SO FUCKED UP down there, and the scene is so messy & straight up ILL that you HAVE to do a pre-wipe wad daubing kind of clean. If it’s that messy, you need a shower immediately afterwords anyway. You better have eaten some bad sushi or somethin to warrant the pre-wipe wad clean. Otherwise it’s folded. You start off with two to four squares, depending on the consistency of the dook. If it’s runny, go with four. You CAREFULLY wipe, then fold, then wipe again. You repeat this process until it feels clean. You take a final pass over the brown eye, then you CHECK THE PAPER for visual confirmation of the absence of shit. My old man taught me this, because wadding up paper is WASTEFUL. Like leaving the lights on, the door open to let the heat out, driving the car two blocks to 7-11, wadded wiping is an atrocious & UNETHICAL display of gluttony, greed, & disprespect to our planet. Gojira wrote a song about it. Like my Dad used to say “DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OUT OF MONEY, SON?!?!?” If you wad, you hate our planet & want to see all the forests destroyed & replaced with strip malls full of Rack Room Shoes, Hallmark Card stores, & check cashing joints. FOLD! FOR THE PLANET!
“#3. Sitting vs Standing. This one TRUELY blew my mind. I had NO IDEA so many people would take a crap, and then actually STAND UP to wipe! WRONG. WRONG. WRONG!!!!!! GODDAMIT WRONG! Were you people raised by STORKS?!? WTF? Since ancient times, long before the toilet was invented, primitive humans pooped in a SQUATTING position. They secured the perimeter, then squatted down to crap. This is NATURAL- the body is positioned perfectly, the intestines, colon, & sphincter are pointed in a direction that is aided by gravity itself for maximum elimination. The cheeks are spread for automatic anal access. You aren’t wobbling about uncertainly on one foot, with the possibly deadly consequences of falling and spreading excrement all over the place. Jesus Christ people, I CAN’T BELIEVE you stand there like a Thanksgiving turkey with your ass in the air, wiping blindly like some sort of vertical poop mole.
“If those cheeks touch — GAME OVER. Poop shifting around faster than a NASCAR driver in the final lap. SIT AND WIPE. Fold your paper, pop up your preferred cheek, and wipe front to back. This standing and wiping business is a sure indicator that civilization is in trouble and may in fact end next years predicted by the Mayans. SIT DOWN, SON! And if you don’t wash your hands after using the bathroom? May God have mercy on your immortal soul. Cuz I won’t. SAVAGES. That is all.”
Follow Randy on Twitter at @lambvox.
I agree with Randy, by the way. Wipe sitting, front to back, and fold that fucking paper up, son. Sometimes, if you use just one sheet, you end up with a stank finger. Or a scratched rectum from those fucking nails you bite. What’s your wiping style?