Ozzy Osbourne Contemplates His Own Funeral
Posted by Chris Harris on April 5, 2011 in News, Sarcasm
Windswept Ozzy
Ozzy claims he wants his funeral to be “a celebration, not a mope-fest.” And Ozzy, I hate to tell you — for some folks, it will be a celebration. Sort of in the same way I celebrated Jerry Garcia’s death and the fact that thousands of hippies would have to finally shower.
“I don’t care what they play at my funeral; they can put on a medley of Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle and We Are The Diddymen if it makes ’em happy — but I do want to make sure it’s a celebration, not a mope-fest,” writes Ozzy. Mope-fest is literally how most of the people I know refer to the last few Ozzfests.
“I’d also like some pranks maybe the sound of knocking inside the coffin, or a video of me asking my doctor for a second opinion on his diagnosis of ‘death,’” Ozzy’s column continues. “There’ll be no harping on the bad times. I don’t want my funeral to be sad. I want it to be a time to say ‘thanks.’”
Me? When I die, I have always said that I want an open coffin wake, and that over my corpse, I want a salad bar. Like, chopped up lettuce by my feet, cucumbers over my legs…a proper salad bar. You could put the croutons in my open mouth. But, I insist that the spit guards be top quality. We need to have the best spit guards around, or else the whole thing will be a wash.
