Stop The Presses: Bon Jovi’s A Cocksman

Jon Bone Jovi

This also just in…Abraham Lincoln has been shot.

So, this week, a picture of a young, feather-haired Jon Bon Jovi surfaced that was shot back in the hair metal heyday of 1985. In the photo, 22-year-old Bon Jovi is depicted in a hotel room bed with a cluster of topless honeys with sweet peaches.

We all know that, during the ‘80s, it was great to be a band. AIDS wasn’t super prevalent but cocaine was. Read The Dirt if you haven’t. That book makes me wish I was Tommy Lee. Hell, I’d take being Tommy Lee’s wang, circa 1986. So, needless to say, the ‘80s were a decadent time for guys like Jon. And let’s face it: In the late 1980s, every broad in America had a crush on Bon Jovi.

According to reports, the shot was part of the publicity push for 7800°Fahrenheit and featured the slutty groupie-looking babes in the photo to “toughen” the band’s look at a time when Motley Crue were dominating the sales chart. This was before the release of Slippery When Wet, which, as you all know, put the Jovi on the musical map.

The never-published pictures were kept hidden for years by the band’s former tour manager, Rich Bozzett, who has now thrown the band under the proverbial bus with his new book “Sex, Drugs and Bon Jovi.” It seems Jon asked Bozzett to burn the pics not long after they sort of took off. Managers…always so reliable.

Thing is, the photos were taken when Jon was already dating his wife. But let’s face it: How many years were Jovi on the road, and how many times can one man turn down hellacious pieces of ass? As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that people just cheat. Shit just happens. People on talk shows like Maury and The Jerry Springer Show are cheating like mad, so what makes Jon so special? What — he’s the one guy who can consistently rebuff hot muff?

This picture was probably shot 30 seconds before Richie Sambora came strolling out of the bathroom, naked as the day he was born, cock already fully engorged. Next, Richie, Bozett, and Jon Boy there took turns stretching those four hookers’ various orifices over the next three hours. And they loved every fucking second of it. I mean, dude…one of those chicks is literally moments away from chugging Jon’s womb broom. This picture should not shock anyone, because this is what rock stars do. Imagine this, though: Those four broads are probably all MILFs now. Wonder what bands their daughters are fucking?

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About Chris Harris

Chris Harris is an internationally-published music journalist and writer whose work has appeared on the pages of Rolling Stone, IFC, Revolver, Alternative Press, and Radar. The former news editor for Noisecreep, Harris also served as co-host for the site’s weekly podcast, “Creep Show." Before that, he spent four years writing for MTV News.