Flotsam & Jetsam, Black Breath Tipped For Summer Slaughter

Flotsam & Jetsam

Good morning, fuckers. How’d you sleep? Like a baby log, I hope. And those dreams…were they sweet? I bet they were. That’s nice. I had a dream that Kate Upton and Valentina Matteucci were both playing on a trampoline, giggling the entire time. Why do I never have tit-fucking dreams, huh? Come on, imagination…don’t fails […]

Butcher Babies Added To Black Label Society Tour

Butcher Babies

As rumored, the Butcher Babies are the official openers now for that Black Label Society-anchored Revolver Golden Gods Tour. Down will be part of the tour from May 2 to May 23, and Devil You Know — featuring former Killswitch Engage frontman Howard Jones — will, too. Get dates for that tour here. The Butcher […]

Zakk Wylde Still Down To Be Part Of Theoretical Pantera Reunion

Zakk Wylde

I feel like Zakk Wylde thinks that if he keeps saying it, it’ll eventually happen. Like, if I said “I’d totally let Kate Upton break my dick off in her asshole” enough, maybe that, too, would happen. As he has said many times before, Zakk Wylde recently reiterated that he’d be more than willing to […]

Ex-Dark Angel Singer Teams With Forbidden Drummer

She likes Forbidden

What for? A new musical project, dude. Now that he’s out of the Dark Angel reunion for good, Don Doty has announced the creation of an as-yet-unnamed new project. The project, according to Blabbermouth, will revisit the band’s classic We Have Arrived and Darkness Descends albums, as well as introduce fans worldwide to new material. […]

Now, Here’s An Email From Jack Osbourne

Jack Osbourne

So, we get emails all the time here at GunShyAssassin, and most of them go something like this: “If I ever see you, I’m gonna make you suffer.” Right. And Kate Upton swallowed my hot, goopy load last night. Others are witty and downright hilarious, from band dudes who didn’t like an opinion that was […]

Deathwish Sign Harm Wülf

...because I couldn't find a picture of Harm

Who is Harm Wülf, you ask? They’re a Philadelphia hardcore outfit boasting Blacklisted’s G. Hirsch. The band’s just signed a deal with Deathwish Records. Look for Harm Wülf’s first release this summer. “From a vagabond spirit rooted within dissimilar worlds, but both yielding a dim outlook, Harm Wülf perpetuates a vagabond emotiveness; a non-complacent style […]

Mötley Crüe Bassist’s Fiancee Talks Toys For Twats

Kate Upton wishes you a Happy V-Day

Yup. It’s February 13, which means tomorrow, you’re either going to be miserable to be alone, semi-miserable to be trapped, or shitting-your-pants ecstatic to be in love. Personally, I am on the shit list. I have to work tomorrow. My girl is none too thrilled. And its especially bad since tomorrow also marks our first […]

Orchid To Release New One April 26

The Mouths of Madness

Dude. This is probably the phattest news you’ll hear all day. Unless, of course, it happens and I can finally report on the epic suck-job Kate Upton bestowed upon my Johnson. Yes, people — San Francisco-based doom rock dudes Orchid have a new album called The Mouths of Madness coming out April 26. That gloriously […]

Korn Do Something We Can’t Make Fun Of

Korn

Most of the time, Korn — the self-proclaimed inventors of dubstep — are pure fodder for comedic relief around these parts. But this, we can not make fun of. In fact, it was downright nice of the boys and, as much as their music may blow, we need to recognize their good deed. It seems […]

Sevendust, Coal Chamber Tour Officially A Go

Oh, Christina...

Man, when both these bands were in their heyday, so was I. I weighed a lot less, didn’t ache anywhere, looked a lot better, had more muscle mass, drove a dope-ass car, and I was making a shit ton more cash. If these two bands co-headlining a tour means it will return me to my […]