Dear Dave Mustaine,
It has recently come to my attention that it is not an impossibility that you and I could cross paths someday. Seeing as we are both now in the same field of business (professional thrashing?) and are men of the world, my chances of making your humble acquaintance have grown quite significantly. This excites me. Will I be shaking your hand or giving you a titty twister? Now that, my strawberry blonde friend, is the question.
I had a dream once that I met you and Dave Ellefson on a cruise ship. We were in line next to each other at the buffet, and we ended up sitting next to each other. You both were very nice and had many great Megadeth stories which you happily recounted for me and my parental units, all of which were received with much jubilation and zeal. Sadly, that was just a dream. This is not the Dave Mustaine that walks this earth. Through my years of research (which has severely advanced in the last several years due to the addition of the Internet) and being privy to information from others who have actually happened upon you have lead me to suspect you are perhaps an unpleasant man with a mild case of irreparable brain damage. But, seeing as how you wrote the song “Ashes In Your Mouth,” you have been forgiven.
Somewhere between your summoning of my seventh grade tears over the Christ-draped butt rock garbage that is most of Youthanasia, you telling me to vote, and seeing your name on a $30 bag of fucking coffee, you started to piss me off. Firstly, with the exception of the recent Rust In Peace anniversary, you have been drilling us with the same shitty ass set for the last 15 years. Who wants to go see Megadeth to see them play “Anarchy In The UK?” In fact, who the fuck asked you to cover that song in the first place? It sucks. It sucks when you change the lyrics to the name of my town and it sucks when you do it in Ohio the next night, too.
“Problems” sucked even worse. Remember when you publicly dissed The Offspring…outing them for not being punk? I find this hilarious. Dave Mustaine, you are about as punk as my grandma. She makes chocolate chip cookies with walnuts. And always with the Peace Sells… for Christ’s sake…it sucks. There, I said it. The album rules but the song holds up about as well as I’m The Man. Why would anyone who loves your band enough to come out and see you want you to play the most entry level, fan insulting set of all time? As one of your biggest fans and supporters and now your peer in the metal field, I have taken it upon myself to include your new set list, which is visible below.
“Last Rites/Loved To Death”
“Architecture of Aggression”
——————— break to smoke the foil behind the dummy cabs
“Take No Prisoners”
“Set The World Afire”
“The Killing Road”
“Ashes In Your Mouth”
“Tornado Of Souls”
“This Was My Life”
“Rust In Peace”
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” (just kidding)
I want to erase the memory of even hearing the duet version of “A Tout Le Monde” a single time. I don’t want to know you would do that to us (your fans). One day when I am looking for my brain to dissolve like an Alka-Seltzer, I will sit down and fully begin to compute how badly that shit sucked.
While I’m getting things off of my chest…can you confirm that during the years from 1985 to 1991, it is completely impossible that a band wore their own T-shirts more than you and your merry men, Megadeth? I know Vic Rattlehead is cool and whatever, but what the fuck? Perhaps you were blowing so much money up your nose that you had to skim off of your own merch to keep clothes on your back. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. Yeah we know you did (still do?) a lot of drugs…You wrote a book about it called Mustaine about smoking heroine off of a piece of foil. I mean, don’t you get embarrassed when you look back at the So Far So Good So What era of the band? The ridiculous pompous interview snippets from the “In My Darkest Hour” video from The Decline Of Western Civilization Part II? Ya’ll were fucked up! Do you cringe too when you listen to the vocals you did on “Hook In Mouth?” How high were you? Really? Can it be quantified?
Metallica? C’mon man, get fucking over it. I mean you even named your kids Justice and Electra (Elektra?)… both of which could be traced to the Met. You just can’t have anything that’s just yours, huh? Do you see James Hetfield’s face looming over you while you have sex with your wife? RELAX. They suck way worse than you do now. You won the war.
To commemorate our tumultuous relationship over the years, I am emblazoning my flesh with a tattooed image in your likeness, with a banner that will read “Nice Story…Tell it to Reader’s Digest”… arguably the most awesomely shitty line you have ever come up with. Truly, Dave, wit at its sharpest…sarcasm at its best and most elite. No matter what you put me through, I’ll always be your little soldier.
I realize this letter may alarm you and perhaps even sound a little harsh, but I assure you it is all out of love. It was necessary for us to continue to coexist on this planet. I want to see you succeed and achieve the peace in your life that you so direly need. I hope this letter finds you well and that you do not wish to judo chop me nor get a restraining order placed on me; I eagerly await our meeting. In the meantime what the world needs is more Megadeth Best-Of CDs (surely I jest).