Trevor Strnad’s Deadspeak: “Nice Story…Tell It To Reader’s Digest”

Trevor Strnad's Deadspeak

Gun Shy Assassin columnist Trevor Strnad of The Black Dahlia Murder is back again this week with a blunt letter to the one and only Dave Mustaine.

Dear Dave Mustaine,

It has recently come to my attention that it is not an impossibility that you and I could cross paths someday. Seeing as we are both now in the same field of business (professional thrashing?) and are men of the world, my chances of making your humble acquaintance have grown quite significantly. This excites me. Will I be shaking your hand or giving you a titty twister? Now that, my strawberry blonde friend, is the question.

I had a dream once that I met you and Dave Ellefson on a cruise ship. We were in line next to each other at the buffet, and we ended up sitting next to each other. You both were very nice and had many great Megadeth stories which you happily recounted for me and my parental units, all of which were received with much jubilation and zeal. Sadly, that was just a dream. This is not the Dave Mustaine that walks this earth. Through my years of research (which has severely advanced in the last several years due to the addition of the Internet) and being privy to information from others who have actually happened upon you have lead me to suspect you are perhaps an unpleasant man with a mild case of irreparable brain damage. But, seeing as how you wrote the song “Ashes In Your Mouth,” you have been forgiven.

Somewhere between your summoning of my seventh grade tears over the Christ-draped butt rock garbage that is most of Youthanasia, you telling me to vote, and seeing your name on a $30 bag of fucking coffee, you started to piss me off. Firstly, with the exception of the recent Rust In Peace anniversary, you have been drilling us with the same shitty ass set for the last 15 years. Who wants to go see Megadeth to see them play “Anarchy In The UK?” In fact, who the fuck asked you to cover that song in the first place? It sucks. It sucks when you change the lyrics to the name of my town and it sucks when you do it in Ohio the next night, too. 

“Problems” sucked even worse. Remember when you publicly dissed The Offspring…outing them for not being punk? I find this hilarious. Dave Mustaine, you are about as punk as my grandma. She makes chocolate chip cookies with walnuts. And always with the Peace Sells… for Christ’s sake…it sucks. There, I said it. The album rules but the song holds up about as well as I’m The Man. Why would anyone who loves your band enough to come out and see you want you to play the most entry level, fan insulting set of all time? As one of your biggest fans and supporters and now your peer in the metal field, I have taken it upon myself to include your new set list, which is visible below.

“Last Rites/Loved To Death”
“Holy Wars”
“Hangar 18”
“Architecture of Aggression”
“Bad Omen”
“Black Friday”
——————— break to smoke the foil behind the dummy cabs
“Take No Prisoners”
“Set The World Afire”
“The Killing Road”
“Rattlehead”
“The Conjuring”
“Ashes In Your Mouth”
“Tornado Of Souls”
“The Disintegrators”
“This Was My Life”
“Rust In Peace”
“Mary Jane”
“Breakpoint”
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” (just kidding)
 
I want to erase the memory of even hearing the duet version of “A Tout Le Monde” a single time. I don’t want to know you would do that to us (your fans). One day when I am looking for my brain to dissolve like an Alka-Seltzer, I will sit down and fully begin to compute how badly that shit sucked.

While I’m getting things off of my chest…can you confirm that during the years from 1985 to 1991, it is completely impossible that a band wore their own T-shirts more than you and your merry men, Megadeth? I know Vic Rattlehead is cool and whatever, but what the fuck? Perhaps you were blowing so much money up your nose that you had to skim off of your own merch to keep clothes on your back. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. Yeah we know you did (still do?) a lot of drugs…You wrote a book about it called Mustaine about smoking heroine off of a piece of foil. I mean, don’t you get embarrassed when you look back at the So Far So Good So What era of the band? The ridiculous pompous interview snippets from the “In My Darkest Hour” video from The Decline Of Western Civilization Part II? Ya’ll were fucked up! Do you cringe too when you listen to the vocals you did on “Hook In Mouth?” How high were you? Really? Can it be quantified?

Metallica? C’mon man, get fucking over it. I mean you even named your kids Justice and Electra (Elektra?)… both of which could be traced to the Met. You just can’t have anything that’s just yours, huh? Do you see James Hetfield’s face looming over you while you have sex with your wife? RELAX. They suck way worse than you do now. You won the war.

To commemorate our tumultuous relationship over the years, I am emblazoning my flesh with a tattooed image in your likeness, with a banner that will read “Nice Story…Tell it to Reader’s Digest”… arguably the most awesomely shitty line you have ever come up with. Truly, Dave, wit at its sharpest…sarcasm at its best and most elite. No matter what you put me through, I’ll always be your little soldier.

I realize this letter may alarm you and perhaps even sound a little harsh, but I assure you it is all out of love. It was necessary for us to continue to coexist on this planet. I want to see you succeed and achieve the peace in your life that you so direly need. I hope this letter finds you well and that you do not wish to judo chop me nor get a restraining order placed on me; I eagerly await our meeting. In the meantime what the world needs is more Megadeth Best-Of CDs (surely I jest).

If you dig Trevor’s column, you should check out Full Blown Chaos frontman Ray Mazzola’s weekly offering “Ray’s Rant” and former Killswitch Engage singer Jesse Leach’s column “Check Your Head.”

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About Trevor Strnad

Trevor Strnad is the vocalist for Detroit, Michigan's The Black Dahlia Murder. The death metal band -- veterans of both the Ozzfest and Mayhem stages -- released its fourth LP, Deflorate, in 2009 through long-time label home Metal Blade. He's also an all-around great guy who loves collecting death metal from 1988 to 1996 and probably outbid you on eBay for that Adramelech CD

  • http://www.facebook.com/andrelothian Andre Lothian

    Brilliant, Trevor. Brilliant. As much as I love Megadeth, and have forced myself to love some of their releases, I agree with you completely.

  • Ryan

    I love you Trevor!

  • JULIO CESAR

    speaK SPANISH?

  • Matty1138

    Holy Jesus, Trev!!!! Annihilation. I too love Dave and the boys and thought Youthansia was the most gutless pile of shit i have ever heard, save Death Magnetic.

  • http://www.facebook.com/RAMARIOT Rama Riot

    *

  • Pat

    BDM best Death Metal band ever!!!

    btw, the new Megadeth had some nice tracks. I like “This time we fight”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Greggoroth Greg Burgess

    As a) me being a huge Megadeth fan imo on the scale of Trevor, and b) being in the same field as my esteemed colleague Trevor I found this letter exactly how I’ve felt about Megadeth for some time. I love that band more than most people can comprehend, but jesus lets play something off of Killing is My Business!!! I too was more than a little disappointed with Youthanasia, however the sound quality and the obvious label pressure at the time made me forgive the band. Risk was risk, I didn’t get it, but whatever he turned the ship around and now he’s back on top. I never got the Metallica thing either, those dudes are like a constant slap in the face with every time Lars picks up a set of drum sticks. Hat’s off to Trevor, to the man’s must be over size balls for talking to a heavy metal icon, that is primarily responsible for both him and I receiving a pay check :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000005865371 Dylan Nichols

    Trevor Strnad, Vocalist/The Black Dahlia Murder has SPOKEN!

  • Homicydemetal

    You are a GOD amongst Men Trevor!!!!!

  • Diesel

    Trevor Strnad – Blah blah blah, talk shit, huuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

    Okay, I agree that Dave needs to get over Metallica. That shit is embarassing.

    Though I wouldn’t be criticizing the lyrics of other songwriters. At least I can understand Mustaine’s singing. Yeah, BDM is great fun, but for fuck’s sake, man, ENUNCIATE! “Raahh raah roar raah roar argh raah hoork raah” is all I can ever make out and I’m not gonna fucking sit there reading the goddamn lyrics out of the CD booklet. And it’s not like I’m opposed to death grunts, I’m just saying that if someone like Mikael Akerfeldt of Opeth can make himself understood while growling away and still sound like the son of fucking Satan, how fucking difficult could it possibly be for everyone else? What, is it not fucking metal enough?

    Dude, don’t take this the wrong way. I love BDM. BDM is a great band and I want ya’ll to succeed. But at this point your not worthy of snorting coke from the head of Mustaine’s smegma encrusted cock.

    • Dieform95

      What the fuck are you babbling about? Poor enunciation in death metal has always bothered me, I think BDM is a perfect example of a band that I CAN understand. Have you ever heard of Mortician? Now those are some shitty vocals. Trevor is the man.

  • JAFO

    ‘Ashes in Your Mouth’ is an awesome song. Well said, Trevor.

  • Mark

    Awesomeness!

  • Pingback: Megadeth Already Working On Endgame Follow-Up | Gun Shy Assassin()

  • http://twitter.com/hullahoopwounds Gonzalo Vidales

    nice, for the comment of The Black Dahlia Murder being the best Death Metal band ever…WRONG!!!
    Don’t get me wrong, I love this band and have seen them about eight times in the last time seven years, I love this band so much, probably my favorite since Carcass, shit I have eight shirts, (I’m a collector =p) but nevertheless there are so many other dudes out there, I could go on, but only about three of you are gonna read this….anyway listen to Entrails Eradicated

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001676734979 Dalton Watros

      holy fuck dude, thank you for the reference, love hearing new killer bands, thank for not being a poser and having awesome taste in music (love BDM, don’t get me wrong)

  • Nrb12344

    Well Said… i will surly smoke u up with a fat bone next time you come to NY

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shred-Bear/503916956 Shred Bear

    Damn Trevor… I agree with a lot of things you said in this article except the part about hook in mouth. The vocals on that song are so fucking badass.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001676734979 Dalton Watros

    WHAT exactly is wrong with DEath Magnetic? I thought it was a bit of a comeback, as the mainstream Metallica albums almost drove me to suicide over my disappointment in Metallica. Anyway, way to keep it real Trevor, the truth hurts, but something tells me Dave isn;t going to see this as out of love, he takes offense to everything since he realized Rusty COoley is better than him.

  • Jimharris84

    ugh, am I the only one who thinks smoking shit off of foil is cool!?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000450027659 Muhammad Izzat Aiman Zailan

    fuck you strnad..you have a fucking lame name..and you look a like a fucking nerd…i think you really are a nerd..everyone loves MEGADETH..only lame asses like you love bieber..SO FUCK OFF AND APPRECIATE WATEVER MUSTAINE HAD DONE FOR THE WORLD..HE CREATED THRASH METAL..WITHOUT HIM,METALLICA WOULD SUCK..WITHOUT HIM,THERE WOULD BE NO SLAYER,NO ANTHRAX..THERE ARE MILLIONS OF BANDS THAT ARE INSPIRED BY HIM…SO FUCK YOU TREVOR..GO TO BIEBER’S CONCERT!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000450027659 Muhammad Izzat Aiman Zailan

    fuck you strnad..you have a fucking lame name..and you look a like a fucking nerd…i think you really are a nerd..everyone loves MEGADETH..only lame asses like you love bieber..SO FUCK OFF AND APPRECIATE WATEVER MUSTAINE HAD DONE FOR THE WORLD..HE CREATED THRASH METAL..WITHOUT HIM,METALLICA WOULD SUCK..WITHOUT HIM,THERE WOULD BE NO SLAYER,NO ANTHRAX..THERE ARE MILLIONS OF BANDS THAT ARE INSPIRED BY HIM…SO FUCK YOU TREVOR..GO TO BIEBER’S CONCERT!!

  • Zepelinfreak90

    hey..

  • Friendofbud666

    Bravo Sir….

  • Hormel Chili

    Well! That was full of piss and vitriol! I can’t say I disagree with a lot of it (other than the fact that they should CLOSE with Ashes in Your Mouth). I will say one thing though, you tried to tie it up very neatly at the end by showing some kind of appreciation (I think?) but because of all the negative stuff (which again, I agree with, mostly) the good stuff came out sounding sarcastic. So, it seems like a 99.2% Negative article (other than the set list, which I mostly agree with, although I love it when they open with “Holy Wars”, I don’t care how many times they’ve done it)

    While we’re on the subject Mr. Strnad (I have trouble saying that, even though it’s two syllables, so your new last name is “Derpenstein”, because I can pronounce that). Mr. Derpenstein: Keep up the good work! I was talking to a friend the other day about how I was disappointed that Lamb of God basically put out the same album like 6 or 7 times and how they should be better than that and blah blah blah. I referred to them as “The Hatebreed of Bands Who Have Talent”. I said to my friend, however, that when The Black Dahlia Murder releases the same album over and over again, it’s not as big a deal. Sure, all the songs run together and it all sounds like mish-mash after a while, but you guys are a death metal band…so I guess you’re “The Lamb of God of Bands Who Have More Talent”(?)

    So yeah, I can’t believe he named his kid Justis. With an ‘S’, as if somehow that makes it different. And Electra? Really? And all the crying about being kicked out of Metallica on “Some Kind of Monster”? I agree. All in all, good article! But maybe try to throw a little more appreciation his way next time. After all, he DOES seem to be one of your main influences. Jus’ sayin’

  • Jazz

    Hahaha so true, wish I’d have found this website sooner, these “articles” are great Trevor! :D