Trevor Strnad’s Deadspeak: Pepperoni Pentagram

Trevor Strnad's Deadspeak

Gun Shy Assassin is proud to announce that Black Dahlia Murder frontman Trevor Strnad has joined the team as a regular columnist. His words will appear here whenever the mood strikes him, which it did this week with this ode to the backbone of the multi-billion dollar pizza industry; here is the resultant first installment in Trevor’s column, Deadspeak

This is for all the metalhead pizza men. All the dudes carrying their drummer’s cymbals to house shows in red leather pizza bags. To the dudes who smoke weed while looking for 3254 Fern Street with a million-candle rechargeable spotlight. To the guys who eat toppings off of pizzas (from the most discrete places near the crust, of course) whilst driving to your domicile where you are probably playing Wii Bowling in a track suit with your grandkids (who eat too much pizza). We busted our asses for you and all we get is a fake smile, an awkward question about our tattoos…and a measly tip of thirty five fucking cents.

This is for all of the bosses out there who are cool and give their starry-eyed young employees time off to waste their hard-earned money paying for their own ill-fated tours in the backs of maple colored 1992 GMC Safaris (boy, that was a good one, though). To the other bosses (who ain’t as cool) who were screwed over by asshole employees quitting to go to the Converge show in Cleveland, Ohio (on the Poacher Diaries split EP, no less…WORTH IT).

To the guys who, right before closing time, would so cleverly lift the old-fashioned phone just slightly off the hook, so it appeared to the old man as though business had all but ceased for the evening. No pesky last minute re-cleaning of the counter tops.

To the nerdy kids in glasses just holding on to the dream — just praying for that hot mom in the bathrobe to answer the door…I was once just like you.

When you don’t tip, we do remember. We — the scandalous, not-giving-a-shit pizza men — may be liable to partially spill your dipping sauce on the roofs of our 1994 Saturn four-door and then proceed to scoop it all back into the cup, licking the edges where necessary…all in the name of “haste” for you, the customer.

This is for all the metalhead pizza men worldwide who like blast beats at 240bpm and their pepperonis in the shape of a pentagram…we’ll always be united in cheesedom. Don’t let the man keep you down.

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About Trevor Strnad

Trevor Strnad is the vocalist for Detroit, Michigan's The Black Dahlia Murder. The death metal band -- veterans of both the Ozzfest and Mayhem stages -- released its fourth LP, Deflorate, in 2009 through long-time label home Metal Blade. He's also an all-around great guy who loves collecting death metal from 1988 to 1996 and probably outbid you on eBay for that Adramelech CD

  • http://brandylovesmetal.tumblr.com Brutal Brandy

    FUCKING SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the pizza men here in TX are mexicans… i WISH they were metal guys; they’d get some bow chicka wow wow as a tip!

    • Nungrinder

      I’m a pizza guy in texas and I love metal! I would love to get paid in “bow chicka wow wow”!

      • http://brandylovesmetal.tumblr.com Brutal Brandy

        Hell yea!! i will give you a hot slice of my pie!!

  • Joey Garcia

    Trevor’s words are fucking inspiring,not only in his lyrics, but in this column,damn good stuff brotha,way to speak whats on your mind,I live in TX as well,and Brandy speaks the truth,most Pizza delivery men are Mexican,as am I,I’m not a Pizza Delivery dude,but,yea,there should be a hand full of Mexican Metal Pizza Delivery drivers,if not,I hope,haha!

  • Adam

    I love you Trevor. Please come deliver pizza at my house in NC. I will give you a $100 tip, you metal bastard.

  • http://www.myspace.com/fromdeception fromdeceptonj

    wow amazing speech
    If it werent for all the pizza men gettin robbed and or maimed in the process of the delivery id definitely
    deliver. Id have my wife order a pizza just to get some bow chica wow wow

  • Tanner Arp

    i used to deliver chinese and this is a reality i know oh to well and i drove a mercedes diesel when it was 5.40 a gallon, trevor thank you for rallying for all us fast food industry workers and our shitty pay and treatment. i will go back to work feeling alot better now lol.

  • Kyle

    hell yeah! i used to be a pizza man for 3 years.. i am of course still a metal head. i used to open the box and fart on the pizza for people who were consistant dicks to me and didnt tip well. OH and cant forget my specialty spit soup for the douchebag boss of the place!

  • Brian

    Trevor hits the nail on the head here, this describes my job to a T. Many times I have blasted warborn while flying down city streets to get a pizza to the cheap no tipping jerkoff in Millvale on time so he doesn’t call my boss and bitch. Many times have I financed road trips to Cloumbus and Cleveland to see death metal bands from pizza tips. The best part of delivering was taking food to metalheads, the guy opens the door wearing a behemoth shirt and just stops and stares at your decapitated shirt and you both give each other the sutble what’s up man. Ah the life of the delivery man.

    -Brian from Pittsburgh

  • K-Dilf

    I used to never tip, and now that I’ve done some of this shitty work, I know what it likes to get my ass handed to me by shitty people. I always tip at least a couple bucks now.

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  • JAFO

    I tip in bong rips.

  • Pat

    Trevor Whitman hehehe

  • http://www.facebook.com/DerekAZduder Derek Ryan

    dude. the converge thing. I WOULD QUIT THE BEST JOB I HAD TO HAVE PLAYED THAT SHOW! :) or even just to see it.

    LOCUST REIGN!

    <3333 derka from atdom

  • http://www.facebook.com/DerekAZduder Derek Ryan

    and. I actually work in a pizza hut in az. hahaha. oh I make the school contract order and every morning its. which extreme metal genre is it today. black metal. *blasts 1349* i used to hahahaha during prep make all the dough i sprayed have pentagrams. hahaha while i served the pizzasto catholic school kids. :3 it made me happy. I sadly am not a driver. well… i am for the contracts. but they dont tip. I get .92 cents a delievery and that shits ROUGH on my car. 112 XTRA LARGE pizzas. fuck. 22 pizza bags FULL in my 05 suzuki reno. i need more compensation. best part is working alone in the morning. I work with dipshits and wiggers. :/ oh how I love societies perfect people. *vomits* whatever. CHEERS TO TRAVIS!

    -derka

  • Danyl

    The skills I developed as a Pizza Boy will always stay with me: Being able to find parking no matter how busy it is and being able to jump in and out of a car while holding three bottles of soft drink in one hand and 4 large pizzas in the other.
    Other skills that aren’t as useful: being able to fold a pizza box every four seconds for an hour or more.