9-Year-Old Girl Into Five Finger Death Punch Destined To Be Future Leader

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Fine Fecal Bagel Brunch

Five Finger Death Punch are the worst band ever. This has been well-established by my site and others. The band panders to the lowest common denominator, and if you’re a fan of their music, chances are you also think your cousins are hella sexy.

Sorry. That’s just the way it is.

Go here if you wanna watch video of a little girl who will grow up to be a saintly princess on stage during a Chicken Finger Death Lunch show.

The video is being single out by local Floridian TV station WINK as an example of bad parenting. And why certain concerts shouldn’t be all ages.

These people are fucking morons. First of all, they think Fine Fisted Donkey Punch is a metal band, and that metal is “often full of violence and obscene lyrics.”

Then, WINK conducted a “news investigation” that uncovered a stark truth: That kids go to hard rock concerts, too! Because their dumb fucking parents drag them there.

“A WINK News investigation uncovered…it’s not just what kids heard at this concert. It’s about a little girl who went from her father’s shoulders to center stage.”

A 9-year-old girl named Olivia — who will surely grow up to be valedictorian of her graduating class and not Emmure-lovin’ trailer trash — made it onto the stage during the band’s set, and Ivan Moody screamed “obscene lyrics into her ear, and it was all caught on video by her dad. Then, he posted it on YouTube for all the world to see.”

Mark Douglas, Olivia’s dad, said that the violent lyrics are just words.

“It’s a bad word, yeah,” he said. “It’s a word. That’s all it is. It’s a word…Everyone cusses.”

But other people had other opinions.

“This is a form of abuse,” said Miguel Fernandez, a Fort Myers attorney. “This child is being used as a prop.”

Fernandez counsels families and works with school kids, teaching then life lessons and how to succeed, it seems.

“I feel sorry for this child. This child is helpless in that position. What does this child do? She’s frozen,” he said. “To hear lyrics like that, what does it promote? It promotes violence. It promotes criminal mischief. It promotes…just chaos.”

Lee County Sheriff Mike Scott has been on a mission to protect children from obscene rappers and rockers who perform in Lee County. About this latest concert, Sheriff Scott said, “Words can’t describe my disgust, and this should never, ever be allowed in a county park.”

WINK’s “investigation” further “uncovered a lot of parents make the same decision Mark Douglas did. We found other videos of Five Finger Death Punch concerts from all over the country with more kids onstage, being encouraged to sing the sordid song.”

So, WINK went to Vero Beach to ask Olivia’s dad how a concert like this is appropriate? He told WINK about losing Olivia’s sister in a car crash five years ago and said now he and Olivia are inseparable.

“She goes to a church every Thursday and takes piano lessons,” said Mark. “She’s a normal kid…just loves metal. It’s in my blood. Evidently it’ll drip down into her blood.”

No cheesy taste in shit rock is in your blood, dude.

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