Back by popular demand, it’s the Battle of the Band Babes, a column series which ran the first few months of the site’s existence. It’d been a while since we’d heard from our perverted buddy (known to readers by his pen name, Duff McKegles) so we reached out and petitioned his prose and insight. He’s back, and so is the battle.
Well, what can I say? When Harris first asked me to do this column, it was before he had these other characters writing for him. It was early in the existence of this now-glorious metal news site and frankly, I felt like no one was paying attention.
So I just stopped. I stopped sending in columns, and there was never any fucking conclusion to the damn thing which was fine. Most of the guys ended up dropping their chicks within weeks of the columns running. It was quite amusing for me to watch on Facebook.
I also started losing Facebook friends as you might imagine; I think some cats were on to me, so I thought it was a good time to just back away quickly.
But more than two years later, look at what this lovable twat’s been able to do. The site looks great since the redesign and people are coming in droves. So why not return to the sexism that this column became marginally known for back in the fall of 2010.
Let’s evaluate the ladies behind some of our favorite metal dudes.
I’m reviving the column in epic fashion: The lady friend of one of Canadian metal’s heaviest hitters pitted against the heavily inked misses of Black Dahlia Murder frontman Trevor Strnad.
For the record, I read Chris’ little rundown of why the Deadspeak column is no more, and it came across as fucking childish. I love you Harris, but fuck man…the dude I first became friends had testicles. What happened? Did they wilt and turn into a pussy petal in your older age? Guy quits drinking and becomes a little bitch.
Well, this column will not help revive Deadspeak, because we’re pitting Trevor Strnad’s girl Casey against Julie, the lovely blond who stands by Flo Mounier of the always-good Cryptopsy.
Fuck you if you didn’t like that one album. Whatever it was. I was into that shit. I remember driving around Austin when that album came out in a rental car, losing my mind to that gem. And then everyone I know starts ripping into me because I like what’s supposed to be a wretched album. Fuck ‘em. I was into it.
Casey is cute as a button. Never seen her at any shows, but I have seen pictures of her and she’s lovely. If you’re into tats, this girl’d be right up your alley. And you’d wanna go up hers.
Then there’s Julie. Ah, Julie. Where for art thou Julie? I tried finding shots of Julie in a bikini, and not with Flo, but unfortunately, I came up short on both counts. There’s something quite gentle about Julie’s beauty. She’s a knockout and Flo, you are a lucky duck.
She’s a doll. They both are. But only one can get your vote.
I’d be game for a roll in the hay with either of these fine lovelies, but it’s up to you to decide: If you were in a band, and you were playing in some bumfuck town in the middle of nowhere, and these two ladies were staring up at you lovingly, eyelashes all a’flutter, which girl would you talk to after the show, and try to feed coke to?
Vote, vote and vote. Or I’ll lose inspiration and just fucking go back to mainlining instead of trying to stay straight so I can make failed attempts at wit in these shit columns.
And look: You can help me with this column, you know.
I’m sure you’ve got friends in bands we all would know. And you probably know if they have hot broads or not.
Well, why not suggest some in the comments section. Give me names, and I will take care of the rest.
Until next time…fuck you!
Which babe wins this round?
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