Black Metal Jumps The Proverbial Shark

Happy Birthday wretch!

If you think this is a fucking swell idea — to release greeting cards that are black metal-themed — then you need to lay down in front of an express train and sing Roxette covers until you’re smashed into a million pieces by aforementioned bullet train. Because black metal greeting cards is a paradox. True black metal dudes would never send birthday cards or well wishes of any kind…would they?

Dark and Somber Greetings, which is based out of Los Angeles, is a designer greeting card company “currently offering eleven grim, frostbitten ways to say hello, happy holidays, happy birthday, thank you or Fuck You.”

One features a dude holding a torch, with unreadable black metal font across the front. Inside, the card reads, “It Says Happy Birthday.” Really? Does this not piss anyone else off? I don’t even know how that’s funny,

Designed by Farron Loathing with the help of his collaborator Courtney Frystak, the only “trv” black metal greeting cards on Earth are limited and currently available here. Go ahead…buy some, you fanny-grabber.

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