Breaking: Robb Flynn And Alexi Laiho Get Into Near-Fatal Slapfight

Inquiring Headcases and Hatecrew members want to know

Robb and AlexiRobb and Alexi

Robb and Alexi

Reports claim that after exchanging passive aggressive Facebook posts, actually aggressive posts, and aggressive posts meant to retract the previous posts, Robb Flynn of Machine Head and Alexi Laiho of Children of Bodom got into a particularly severe slapfight late yesterday afternoon.

Witnesses say that Laiho sprung from some bushes and unleashed a flurry of openhanded swipes onto the back of Flynn’s neck. Flynn turned around and slapped Laiho once in the face, then attempted to give Laiho a dual titty-twister.

The brutal scuffle escalated when Laiho noticed that the black nail polish he just applied had been scratched on one of the 17 studded bracelets Flynn was wearing on his left wrist.

Red in the face, jewelry maladjusted, and tufts of already thinning hair plucked out, witnesses say both participants ran away in obvious fear when they thought they heard a police car possibly approaching.

A nearby hospital saw the combatants soon after for near-fatal mascara smearing, generally related to profuse crying, and an ankle sprain from fleeing the scene.

Interviews about the event have been taken.

Says Flynn at press time:

“I was on my way to a press conference instead of the studio, lol, when Alexi, who I normally call Bra-Lexi, since he wears a training bra lol, came out of no where and just slapped the shit outta me. I would have been in fear for my life, but luckily I’m like really, really tough and have had real life intercourse with a real life woman. I even knocked over a headstone at a graveyard once because I was doing a chick on it lol. The level of disrespecting dead people I have and not caring in general is what makes me so awesome, like level 18 awesome lol. I am literally insane just like my equally insane fans lol. We prove it every day on Facebook lol.”

We do not know why Flynn has to verbally say “lol” so frequently, although Tourette’s has been ruled out. Studies have shown that having to say “lol” at your own jokes is the equivalent of a no budget laughtrack, and almost always indicates that the jokes are, scientifically speaking, not funny.

Flynn adds that this will inevitably push the release of The Blackening: Volume III-Bloodstone & Diamonds “way into late 2015 lol.”

Laiho has not commented. Well, he commented, but it was basically the only thing he ever says ever, “I just wish James Hetfield and Steve Vai were my dads.”

In other news, Headcases and Hatecrew are acting like mom and dad are fighting in the kitchen late at night and they are just sitting there on the stairs with their teddies in the dark. Film at 11.

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