Bret Michaels Issues Statement On Tonys Lawsuit

Open up and say ahh

So, Poison’s Bret Michaels — a petri dish with legs — is suing the producers of the Tony Awards for that 2009 incident where a piece of the stage set tried to turn him into a human Pez dispenser. Two fucking years and one brain hemorrhage later, Bret’s decided that he nearly died because of what happened at the Tonys.

Two years later! Why the delay, Bret? I mean, talk about dragging your ass. I just figured the stage set incident was karma for A.) performing at the Tonys and B.) spreading STDs doctors haven’t even come up with names for yet. I just think its nuts that this dude waited fucking two years to sue CBS and the Tony producers. Why did it take so long?

Bret’s attorney Alex Weingarten has issued a statement on behalf of his client that doesn’t address the time lapse between the incident and the action being brought, but does claim that the producers, “instead of doing the right thing, joked about it and played it off for ratings.”

Soon after the incident, a spokesperson for the Tonys quipped that Bret “missed his mark.”

“Bret never wanted to file a lawsuit,” the statement continues, “but the Tony Awards have left us with no choice. They must be held accountable for almost killing Bret, and that is what we are going to do.”

Not long after the Tonys incident, Bret suffered a near-fatal brain hemorrhage. I bet you this is the work of his lawyer; “Come on Bret — we can make a case that there is a connection between you getting smacked in the head and a vein bursting in your skull.” Bret also claims that Donald Trump nudged him down the path to legal action.

The suit, filed in Los Angeles Superior Court, states that Michaels was told by the producers that he should simply exit from the stage rear after he was done with his performance. The suit states that Michaels was never told the scenery piece would be descending or given “any warning of the existence of the dangers it presented.”

The suit further claims Bret nearly died in April 2010 from a subarachnoid brain hemorrhage, which he believes was caused by the injuries he suffered at the Tony Awards. ”One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma — exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards,” the suit says. “Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma.”

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