So Frankie Palmeri from Emmure is out of commission for tearing his vocal chords. That’ll put quite the damper on his new opera side-project.
You read that right. Opera. Apparently, when he got electrocuted in Russia, it rerouted some of his neurotransmitters and turned Palmeri into an opera prodigy. He has an opera-singer’s last name already, so why not?
No recordings of his new side project have surfaced yet, but Palmeri has revealed the name of the opera troupe: Tasti al Cuore di Sfiatatoio di una Balena.
When inquired about it at press time, Palmeri said, “Hlorslortch hlortslorttch hlor.”
Then he remembered he couldn’t articulate words because his vocal chords were blown out and he promptly switched to writing his statements:
“When I first woke up from getting knocked on my ass by the shock, I felt different. More…intelligenter, maybe a bit more talenteder, too. I got back to my hood, posted up in my crib for a few days with a bunch of that good-good and some forties, and just searched the internet for what this could mean.
“After I finished up the most epic porn spree I’ve ever gone on, I found my ass in the music section of YouTube, peepin’ this shit called opera. This shit has some mad notes! Like there’s more notes in like two seconds of any opera song than there are in every Emmure song…I knew from then on that this was my calling.”
When asked about his artistic direction, Palmeri said:
“At first I thought I liked the German shit, like ‘Die Zauberflote’ by Mozart…but then I found out that that translates to ‘the Magic Flute’ and don’t that sound like it’s about his dick? I ain’t gonna be caught no where singin’ about no one’s dick.
“I finally settled on that ‘Don Giovanni’ shit by da Ponte, he helped that Mozart guy a lot. It’s like a collab track, like, it should be ‘Don Giovanni (feat. da Ponte).’ It’s got so much emotion, it’s like the first time I listened to Limp Bizkit.”
A performance of “Don Giovanni” by Tasti al Cuore di Sfiatatoio di una Balena is expected next year at any opera house that will let a guy that looks like Frankie Palmeri inside.
In related news, the guys in Attila are sitting on a couch somewhere, wondering if they’ve garnered enough street reputation in the gangster rap community to use the N-word.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.