Even If The Metallica Movie Makes You Happy, You Can’t Let Anyone Know

Metallica Through the Never

Metallica is probably the worst band out there right now. Like, I know they are still talented, they are responsible for the at least three of the most fundamentally metal albums in the entire genre, subgenres aside. But when you are that talented, are responsible for that kind of sonic aggressiveness, and have the listenership that they have managed to expand throughout their years of disgrace, you’d expect something more than…well…their now two decades worth of disgrace. That is literally two thirds of their existence.

Since the early ‘90s, they’ve produced five subpar LPs, various subpar singles and EPs, and a documentary that makes the band look like a geriatric polyamorous collective that forgot to make the morning coffee just right a few too many times in a row and decided to turn to professional therapy for it. It was interesting, but made the musicians look exactly the opposite of what you picture in your head whenever you blast “Leper Messiah” or “Blackened.”

The band had the audacity to make that movie, Some Kind of Monster, and then figured, “Well, it’s been about ten years since we released a movie, let’s crap one out.”

My initial reaction to the announcement of the film project Through the Never was probably more severe than a hypothetical situation where I would have found out that beer makes your wang shrivel up and grow buck teeth.

Fuck, what if that’s where naked mole rats come from? Like they would be dicks that grew teeth, became sentient, and gnawed their way off of their owners’ crotches?

If this scenario pops up in a Cannibal Corpse song, you know they read the site.

Anyway, back to Metallica. Yeah, Through the Never. I went and saw it opening night at the local Imax. I must admit, I feel incredibly strange with amount of “like” I attached to the movie. I mean, they have been the brunt of pejorative jokes and the subject of 99.9% of the hatred in the metal world for the last twenty years. For this reason I will give a reverse review to stay consistent.

“Through the Never” blew Dave Mustaine’s butt burritos. It was so awful, I really hated it, especially when the band was playing on stage. It totally does not remind you of why they were once the greatest band in the land.

Hetfield can’t even downpick anymore. His guitar skills don’t have their signature bite anymore and he for real needs singing lessons. He sounded like he was not the master of his vocal puppets.

Trujillo does not play bass at all and totally doesn’t nail the soloes Cliff Burton wrote for “Orion.” He was the wrong person to choose to replace Jason Newsted and they should have quit in the 80s, obviously. This movie is proof of that (okay that was a half serious critique, but still…they played “Orion” and it was not the wickedest thing ever).

Kirk Hammet is such a bad guitarist. He just plays one note, I think, and I think it’s in the key of fart. I don’t even think he even touched a guitar before in his life before this movie. He probably just dumpster-dived for snapped rubber bands and tissue boxes and played on his homemade guitar before they shot that movie. He really sucked and I really don’t think the solo in “Ride the Lightning” is worth killing a human infant to hear again.

Lars Ulrich is clearly the best part of the movie. He was so on his game. He played such awesome fills and made good use of his double bass pedals. I love the way he sticks his tongue out. His bald head is so cool. I mean, it looks like he just came up from Hell and all his hair got burnt off while he was down there, but he totally just came up here to play this sick drum shit for us. Hell yeah, he did.

Absolutely do not go see this movie. It is not mastered well and does not sound appealing. You cannot feel your sternum vibrate because of the music. The sets are freaking dumb and unimaginative. The part with Lady Justice simply makes you cringe. If you do go see the flick make sure you pay all your attention to Lars and the story scenes. They are the only good parts of the movie and the rest is complete and totally trash.

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