Five Things As Brutally Heavy As Babymetal

Here’s a list we hope you don’t take too, too seriously…

BabymetalBabymetal

Babymetal

A while ago, I threw in my 2,000 cents on the phenomenon catching the metal and j-pop world by storm: Babymetal. The response was really helpful in my seeing the truth about metal. I used to be a geeky, hair-splitting metal elitist according to the UltimateGuitar. Reading the comments section of Babymetal articles we’ve posted on GSA also made me think about reevaluating Babymetal. Needless to say, the articles on corporate metal blogs really made me embarrassed of my previous, elitist-hipster disposition.

What I’m saying is “I’m sorry.” I’ve done some serious soul-searching and discovered I was wrong. I am now a full-fledged Babymetalhead and I think they are probably at least as brutal as Aborted. So what if they have fun on stage? What’s wrong with having fun? 

Metal elitists will tell you that fun isn’t allowed in metal, but once you start being more open-minded and letting a little bit of bouncy kawaii pazzazz into your metal, you’re metal-listening horizons will grow exponentially and you’ll actually be more eclectic and more metal than metal elitists and hipsters. Basically, less metal is more metal because it’s laudably metal to be different merely for the sake of being different and kawaii and this isn’t circular, believe me. 

So why stop at just Babymetal? Here’s five more totally metal things that will drive metal elitists crazy once you start letting everyone know how metal they really are! 

1. Jem And The Holograms
It rocks. It rolls. They basically wear black metal corpse paint, so it’s actually really kvlt. Prepare your ears for some incredibly progressive, forward-thinking metal that metal elitists hate!

2. Ke$ha/Metal Mashup Videos
Hey, you may not think Ke$sha is metal right now, but when you mix it with loud, crunchy guitars and that driving double bass, her pop anthems become instant metal classics that you can dance to! Metal elitists are too busy sniffing sweaty dudepits while moshing to realize that regular dancing is actually amazing, especially when synchronized!  

3. Gary Busey’s Epic Hobbit Song
Gary Busey makes an undeniable entry into the tomes of metal with this impeccably heavy ditty. He draws influence from Tolkien, just like Blind Guardian, Morgoth, Burzum, and Battlelore. Metal elitists will literally disembowel themselves and then stuff their unpooped turds into their soon to be dead earholes so that they wouldn’t have to listen to this amazing metal chorus, but we know better! Suck it, metal elitists!

4. Whatever This Is, It’s Metal
Screw it. Obviously “weird” and “different” and “spazzy” are all synonymous with “metal” in any context whatsoever! Metal elitists probably can’t read or write.

5. TMZ
No one knows what “TMZ” actually stands for, but I bet the “m” is for “metal.” This is where you should go for all your metal news. It’s always up-to-date and accurate. Don’t believe me? They have a really kvlt article about Watain. It’s basically MetalSucks and Kerrang!, but, like, even better. Metal elitists count on their fingers while drooling.

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