Guest Column: Three Movies You Need To See By Killer Refrigerator

Before today, I didn’t even realize how many movies have been made featuring appliances

Cody CoonCody Coon

Cody Coon

After Dustin Boltjes of Skeletonwitch contributed a column on must-see horror flicks, we decided to open the topic up to the members of other bands. Why? Well, in addition to loving music and literature, we’re huge movie buffs and feel maybe your life could similarly benefit from a big screen broadening.

So here for you now is a new column written by Killer Refrigerator members Luke Sackenheim and Cody Coon from Unkured.

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
As you know by now, refrigerators are inevitably going take over the world. That’s a scientific fact. However, being a work of science-fiction, this film presents a unique, idealistic perspective on human-appliance relations.

Specifically, there is a touching scene where our heroine (Jones) accidentally stumbles into a nuclear-testing facility during an atomic bomb test. Just as the bomb is about to detonate, Jones takes the precarious initiative to seek refuge WITHIN A REFRIGERATOR.

The bomb detonates and levels an entire city to ashes while it sends the fridge rocketing to safety. When it lands, Jones emerges completely unharmed. This is, of course, completely unrealistic because if you were to hide inside of a refrigerator, the fridge would simply gnash you to pieces, inject your heart with Freon, and turn you into an appliance-slave. So if you ever wanted to witness a utopia where humans and appliances can live in harmony, watch “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.”

“The Brave Little Toaster”
I have not actually seen this film in its entirety (it was so nightmarish that I had to turn it off. My little cousin kept having panic attacks and swore that the TV set was breathing). But essentially, the movie is about a group of blood-thirsty, militant appliances that go on a cross-country manhunt to find their former master (presumably to dismember him and mutilate the rest of his family).

It is nothing short of terrifying. I sat and watched scene after scene of exploding air conditioners, suicidal vacuum cleaners, toasters engulfing houses in flames, and a whole slurry of other disturbing images.

If you’ve ever had any doubts about appliance-sentience or the fridgepocalypse; this movie is a must-see. It is a startling depiction of what is to come if we choose not to defend ourselves. Apparently, there is also a sequel where the army of appliances relocates to Mars after they’ve usurped authority over planet earth. Disgusting.

“Attack of the Killer Refrigerator”
This is the movie that started it all. Before seeing this film, I was a pretty normal guy. I woke up, I ate breakfast, I went to work, I went home, I ate dinner, and I went to bed. Then I saw this movie. Now I wake up, I unplug my refrigerator, I walk to work (I’m pretty sure that my bicycle is possessed), I avoid the water cooler at all costs (just in case it decides to penetrate my nostrils and suck my brain out to keep in its tank as a pet), I walk home, and then I check the position of the rest of my appliances to make sure that they didn’t move around while I was away.

Before seeing this movie, I didn’t think anything of waking up to a toaster in my bed; that was pretty commonplace. But now I know the truth. It’s honestly amazing that my appliances didn’t kill me when they had the chance. But now I’m careful. You should be too.

Watch this film and learn the truth. Spread the Gospel of Freezus Christ! The fridgepocalypse is nigh!

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