Guitarist Says Those Five Finger Death Punch Flyers Never Existed

Zoltan Bathory

This, according to Zoltan Bathory — guitarist for Five Finger Death Punch and new friend of Gun Shy Assassin. Zoltan broke the news to us recently that the band’s bassist was out, and now, he’s emailed us again to tell us that those so-called flyers that went up all around Musicians Institute in California never actually existed. They were never posted around the school’s campus.

Zoltan’s started the email off by being real with me. That’s what we do at Gun Shy Assassin…we keep it fucking real. Respect doesn’t mean ass-kissing and pandering…it is about honesty.

“You see…we can have an intelligent conversation even though I know you don’t like our music,” Zoltan wrote to me. “That’s OK…there are plenty of bands I don’t like to listen to — but that doesn’t make me hate the guys playing it. It’s like hating the guy who has a strawberry farm ‘cause you don’t like strawberries.

“But even if someone has such a miserable life that they need to ‘hate’ someone they don’t know…hate me for facts — don’t hate me for something that never happened and is untrue…right?” Then Bathory explains what happened with this flyer situation. He claims the flyer never actually ever existed.

“Our management dug deeper — talked to Barry Squire and Todd Berhorst at Musicians Institute, and some other peeps and all have confirmed that none of these flyers actually ever existed, and were never posted anywhere on the Musicians Institute campus.”

So who is responsible? Zoltan has at least one theory. “Some Photoshop-happy ass clown with no future but plenty of spare time tailor-made it for Blabbermouth, which they consequently posted as ‘news.’ Would have been cool if Blabber had time to verify it before just posting it…I guess it looked ‘real enough’ but I’m not here to judge the procedure and how things get posted…It’s probably nearly impossible to validate every fucking story.”

Zoltan said that Five Finger’s management was being nice when they commented on the flyer story, saying it was “probably a mistake,” but now that they “know it was a fabrication aimed purely to discredit the band, it’s a different story…Musicians Institute is looking into it further as well, because they don’t like to be associated with stupid shit either. We recommended they target dudes who live in their parents’ basement and are particularly bitter about their lives — because that could be a good indicator.”

So, to reiterate, “The flyer is 100 percent fake and seems to be tailor-made for Blabbermouth’s audience…ALSO, an actual e-mail was circulated (we didn’t send to them — nor authorized)  and it looked real enough that Musicians Institute even held auditions — (Holy Shit MAN!) Except we were not there and did not even know about it…”

Then, showing he has a sense of humor about this whole fucking Five Finger fiasco, Zoltan ends his email on a funny note.

“If we posted the ‘real requirements,’ it would have started with — must have adonis DNA and tiger blood, efficiency with machete is a plus, must have a chain belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu so they can train on tour, must be exactly 5’11.23″ tall… Must look better than Brad Pitt in a metal skirt in ‘Troy’ and Must spell True ‘Tr00’ and Cult ‘KvLT’ and hate anything that has a melody of any kind.”

Ouch. Zoltan, you can email us any time. Your honesty is welcome here.

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