Gun Shy Assassin Presents The Worst Of 2010

The Worst of 2010

Let’s be totally honest: 2010 totally sucked a shit-covered dick. Ronnie James Dio and Peter Steele fucking died, Kirk Hammett kicked a little girl, and a lot of real shitty fucking metal records came out (with exceptions like Black Anvil, Deathspell Omega, Dillinger Escape Plan, Triptykon, and The Deftones). I mean, when Watain’s weakest album to date is — for most people — the year’s strongest effort, you know some bad shit came out. But, 2011 promises to be better, what with all of the solid metal releases planned and in the works. Still, the year’s coming to an end, so it’s time to take a look back.

While our esteemed colleague — and Ipsissimus guitarist — The Goat plugs away on his Top 10 for Gun Shy Assassin (let’s hope it materializes before 2011), I figured I’d come up with a list of the year’s worst LPs. Some are fucking obvious, while others, maybe too fucking obvious. But when you had a year like we did, what’s the point in glorifying the few artists who managed not to totally suck? The biggest challenge to this list was picking the order, and of course, if there’s anyone we forgot, then by all means, let us know in the comments section below. And if you like Hellyeah, use this same area to tell us where to stick it. So here now on your favorite metal site, Gun Shy Assassin, we bring you The Worst of 2010…after the jizz-ump.

10: Despite being mixed by one of my favorite people on this planet (Steven Wilson of Porcupine Tree), Orphaned Land’s The Never Ending Way of ORwarriOR just didn’t connect with me like it did with other people I know. The music — the guitars, especially — isn’t all that terrible, admittedly. But for me, the vocals just killed this record. I know everyone will get on me for this one, because everyone kissed this album’s fucking ass when it came out, but — try as I might — I felt like I was in a mini-mart in Jersey City, trying to find an ATM every time I tried to listen to this record, and it was literally very hard for me to get through without skipping ahead. And I love prog. Just those fucking vocals.

Bloody awful

9: Gwar’s Bloody Pit of Horror was maybe more monotonous than it was shitty, to be fair. I mean, can’t we all agree — at this point — that Gwar’s only good live anymore, as a fucking experience? OK, maybe their records were never really good, but they seem to be getting just worse and worse, if that’s even possible. Did it take them two days to write this thing? This album is boring, and, save for the all-too-rare savory riff that pops up, this record was absolutely fucking pointless. In fact, at times, I’d argue it’s virtually unlistenable (see “Come The Carnivor” and “You Are My Meat”). Let’s face it: The joke’s fucking old. Yeah, Gwar was fucking cool to be down with when I was in college and I didn’t know any better, and I thought being sprayed with fake blood and puke and ruining my clothes was fucking rad. But this band can stop making music now, because it’s just not fucking funny anymore. It’s almost sadly immature; I say, stick to doing live shows, or even something on Broadway, Gwar, because I doubt you even make a living selling music. Its the live gig and the costumes and the fake cum…the schtick, that’s what people want. You have enough material at this point to play sets for the rest of your lives. Just stop writing new shit.

8: Korn’s Korn III: Remember Who You Are is nothing if not monotonous, and I’m just so done with Jonathan Davis’ panting-fucking vocal style. Sing like a dude, dude. I also couldn’t stand all the ethereal elements they stuffed into each song; that one “Pop A Pill” made me want to mainline formaldehyde. I thought this was supposed to be a raw, rock record. It sounds more like a band trying to recapture a vibe long since vanished from their sound, only to abandon the idea in favor of more of the same bullshit. By the way, what the fuck ever happened to that alternative fuel Korn was working on?

7: I would’ve loved Ill Niño’s 2010 album, Dead New World, but I don’t really like Soulfly. And I don’t especially like bongos in my metal. But I do love Jason Suecof’s genius Ill Niño parody band Dill Piño, which you can only hear on Gun Shy Assassin. Yes, I did try to listen to this LP with an open ear when it came out, and when I heard the song “Against The Wall,” it made me want to throw my new MacBook out the fucking window. I felt the laptop had been tainted and would never be the same, and hence, should be hurled out the window, or perhaps — oddly enough — against the wall. Nevermind the album boasts a pitiful cover of Smashing Pumpkins’ “Bullet With Butterfly Wings.” I can not believe Billy Corgan approved.

Even Suecof couldn’t help this shit

6: Oceano’s Contagion wants to be The Black Dahlia Murder’s Unhallowed but sounds more like a bathroom break at a meeting of Bulimics Anonymous. This album did nothing for me. I kept listening, waiting for something to grab me and pull me in, but I just kept getting mad because these fucking kids are all over the goddamn place. It seems like there are parts of fifty different songs crammed into each track. At times, I thought the singer and the band sounded out of sync but maybe that was intentional. This singer — at times — sounds like he can’t even keep what he’s doing going, if that makes sense…like, he doesn’t have enough breath to sustain some of the shit he’s doing. The drums just fucking suck. This record lacks focus. Trust me: I couldn’t even make music this shitty, because I can’t play an instrument. But either can any of these guys.

5: Self-proclaimed “good ol’ boys” Hellyeah’s Stampede opens with song about cowboys. Aren’t most of these dudes from Illinois? I know Vinnie Paul is from Texas, but those Mudvayne dudes are definitely from Illinois. Of all the records on this list, Stampede earns the distinction of perhaps being the dumbest. Songs like “Hell of a Time” — which ends with the sound of a beer can being cracked open — made my IQ dip drastically, and probably killed a few dozen brain cells. Stampede sounds like a bad Rob Zombie album, produced by a dude who says “coon” a bunch.

Fuck no

4: Disturbed’s Asylum contains a cover of “Living After Midnight” that has no balls to it. It is usually impossible for that song night to have balls. But somehow, Disturbed managed it. Like other Disturbed albums, this thing is flawless…production-wise. In fact, it’s overproduced. And David Draiman’s voice is losing the little bit of toughness it actually had. He’s sounding a lot like Geoff Tate on this one. “Serpentine” and “Never Again” stood out as especially formulaic and shitty. I listened to this record, and thought to myself, “For some people, this is the heaviest thing they listen to,” and I fucking laughed.

3: Mushroomhead’s Beautiful Stories For Ugly Children sounds like the soundtrack to a circus for idiots with no comprehension of where England is on a map. Or a remake of “The Warriors” starring a bunch of dudes who still wear JNCOs. This guy’s vocals are fucking shit, the guitars are totally underwhelming, and the lyrics are fucking super, super, super smart. It baffles my mind that this would ever be anyone’s favorite band.

That would make a rad back tat, bra

2: Not that it was a real metal record, but Godsmack released the radio-rock-geared Oracle in 2010 with the lead-off single “Cryin’ Like A Bitch.” I have never been a fan of Godsmack, so it’s no surprise this record is on this list. But look: I gave it a fair chance, and holy shrimpy frontman! — it’s a gigantic turd, with Tool-wannabe bass lines, trying-to-be-Hatfield-meets-Staley vocals, and cock rock guitars. Big surprise there. I think we’ve reached the point where Godsmack just decided it was time to stop putting in 100-percent, and really giving it any effort. If any album on this list was phoned in, it was Oracle, which contains a real stinker called “Love-Hate-Sex-Pain” that made me want to stabs myself in the face over and over again with a nail file. My problem with Godsmack has always been that I don’t feel they have a true identity, and are just the sum of all of their obvious influences. Oh, that and they suck.

1: Ozzy Osbourne’s Scream had only one song on it that didn’t make me want to slice my femoral artery. That song is called “Life Won’t Wait.” Otherwise, this latest batch of Ozzy odes was so fucking overproduced, Osbourne sounds like a fucking robot on half of the tracks, with all the stupid voice processors they’ve got it going through. And dude, I never thought I’d say, “I miss Zakk Wylde,” but I do. What the shit was that song “Diggin’ Me Down” all about, anyways? Talk about pandering to the easily-amused. I’m sorry, but in my opinion, Gus G.’s guitar work is totally predictable, and dare I say it, weak-sounding. Half of the songs could’ve ended three-minutes in, and they would have been ten times better. The lyrics are fucking annoying, repetitive, not very imaginative or thought-provoking, and there’s a lot of build up with not much pay-off. It’s almost as if they’re trying to make this shit sound more epic than it is. That song “Soul Sucka” was fucking hard to listen to, and Scream just does not live up to Ozzy of old. It happens. Don’t crucify me (which reminds me: “Crucify” was an annoying-ass song, too). Not every album Ozzy puts out is the end-all, be-all. I just can’t front: Yes, we all owe Ozzy a tremendous debt for all that he has done for metal. But he can stop doing stuff for metal, and stop doing anything resembling metal. We’re doing just fine and he still has a legacy that hasn’t been totally commercialized yet, so let’s force Ozzy into early retirement and just put on Blizzard of Ozz and forget Scream — especially the song “Time” — ever fucking happened.

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