Gun Shy Assassin Presents The Worst Of 2011

The Worst of 2011

My, my — what a crazy fucking year 2011 was. Jeff Loomis left Nevermore, the West Memphis Three were released, and Black Sabbath reunited. God tried twice to kill the lead singer of Black Veil Brides, Devin Townsend released 200 records, and dudes like Seth Putnam, Mike Starr, Jani Lane and Gwar’s Cory Smoot passed tragically. Chimaira experienced more lineup changes this past year than most bands experience in 30, Vince Neil went to jail for two minutes, and Disturbed finally took the world’s hint, deciding to take a hiatus.

While 2010 was a shitty year album-wise (see last year’s worst list), a bunch of solid albums were actually released over the last 12 months from the likes of Amon Amarth, Tombs, Taake, Opeth, All Pigs Must Die, Iced Earth, Times of Grace, Obscura, and Deathspell Omega, to name a few. A lot of steaming horse poo was also released in CD form, and that’s why we’re here: It’s time once again to take a look back at the year that was and assess. While every other site does their token “best of the year” lists that reward bands for essentially not sucking, we don’t believe in further glorifying albums that you’ve likely already heard and know are fucking good. Instead, we like to highlight the room-clearing shit, because A.) It’s way more fun and B.) It’ll serve as a good warning to those who may have just awoken from a coma and are thinking, “I need to get down to Tower Records because I have a lot of cassette tapes to catch up on.”

In this year’s list, some of the choices are fucking obvious, while others are maybe way too fucking obvious. Really, the biggest challenge in a list like this is picking the order, because things can blow buffalo dong in myriad of ways.

And of course, if there’s anyone we forgot on our list, then by all means let us know in the comments section below or head on over to Gun Shy Assassin’s Facebook page, where the smack talk goes on like the drunk chick at your high school reunion. And if you like Korn, well, use this same area to tell us where we can stick it. So here now on your favorite metal site ever, we bring you The Worst of 2011…after the jumpity jump.

10: People tell me I’m crazy for not liking TesseracT’s One, because they’re such “talented musicians” and “super proggy” and everything. I just don’t get it. I don’t get what all the mother fucking fuss is about. And that old singer — the one who appears on One — I found to be super fucking annoying; his voice basically doesn’t blend well with the music, if at all. That voice ruined what would have otherwise been a fucking stellar instrumental record.

That said, if I wanted to listen to 30 Seconds To Mars crossed with Meshuggah, I’d listen to Mnemic. And I don’t want to do that. Maybe with this new singer they’ve got, TesseracT might be able to change my mind. Stranger shit has happened.

In Waves

9: I’ve often been tough on the Trivium guys, mostly because it angers me that what basically amounts to a Metallica cover band can be more popular than, say, Autopsy. The world doesn’t make sense to me when shit like that is allowed to go on.

In Waves — named so because you just get bombarded with wave upon wave of bullshit — was, for me, confusing, muddled, and all over the fucking place. I literally feel like Trivium tried to stuff 50 pounds of shit into a five-pound bag. This record simply doesn’t know whether it wants to be hard rock, metal, or some sort of strange blend of Pantera and Between The Buried and Me.

Frankly, I didn’t find any of the songs to be particularly creative, inspired, or engaging. I didn’t even catch myself banging my head to a single second of this album. You know, I remember the hype that was built up before this album dropped was basically that on this record, we were going to get a new, more mature Trivium, and it is — only for the mere fact that the dudes are a few years older. If I wanted to listen to what sounds like songs Killswitch Engage rejected, I’d ask Mike D to send me some MP3s.

8: Winds of Plague are one of those bands I will never understand the appeal of, because I just don’t get keyboard-imbued roid-core. They’re like the stilton cheese of metal, in that I will never understand how people can consume something that’s wreaks worse than rotten vagina.

I feel like Winds of Plague are one of those bands that never evolve, and Against The World is just a regurgitation of their last few albums, which were also poopariffic. And fuck, man — dude’s got a really boring voice. Sounds like a backed-up drain, finally clearing. Like a small knife caught in a garbage disposal. The lyrics on the record (i.e.; “You better fuckin’ recognize”) are basically glorified tough guy talk. Save for the guitars, there’s nothing really impressive about this record, which tries so hard to be epic in its sound, but falls incredibly short of making the mark. I’d rather hear the words “Chris, I’m pregnant and I think its yours” than ever have to listen to this band again.

7: DevilDriver, again, are one of those bands who’ve never done anything for me, other than make me want to stab my eardrums out with a fondue fork.

Against the World

Beast was maybe DevilDriver’s first record that didn’t make me wish for deafness, but that’s not saying much. Improving one’s band to the point where you’re no longer barely flirting with being labeled aural cancer is no landmark achievement.

I think DevilDriver’s Beast is bored, tired, and overproduced. Dez Fartfarter’s vocals sound like absolute shit, and aside from the drumming, there was nothing extraordinary about the musicianship on the record. These dudes just need to stop already. Guys who are just tall enough to get on most of the rides at Six Flags — most — should not specialize in tough guy rock.

6: Yup — in 2011, the kings of tard metal, Limp Bizkit, returned with Gold Cobra…because, I guess, we needed to be reminded of how fucking washed up and stale they are. I didn’t need a reminder; I’m well aware.

Listen, if I wanted to listen to Limp Bizkit, I’d stick my head in an oven and wait for cold death, because that would mean every other band on the planet had stopped making music, and frankly, I could not live in a world where Limp Bizkit were the only recording musicians. Fuck, if that doesn’t sound like it should be one of the levels of hell in Dante’s “Inferno.”

Why does Fred Durst always ask what we’re going to do? He’s always singing, “Whatcha gonna do?” Stop being so noisy, fuckface. Gold Cobrawas, I’m guessing, a tax write-off for Interscope Records. It’s literally bile-summoning, this record. I’d rather listen to fucking T.I. than overaggressive balding white dudes try to rap. But maybe that’s just me.

Gold Cobra

5: I imagine Suicide Silence’s The Black Crown is what dumb kids listened to the most in 2011. Right? I mean, no intelligent human being could possibly think this album’s good. There’s no fucking way. It’s more fashion than it is passion, and it’s really hard proof that deathcore’s creative limits have been pushed as far as they’re gonna go.

Maybe this is the music kids who’ve never been in an actual fight work out to. I don’t know who could think this is good, when there are bands like Black Dahlia Murder out there. These dudes wish they could be Black Dahlia Murder. But they come across sounding more like As I Lay Dying. Only worse than that. The Black Crown is fucking whacker than whack.

4: No, Korn’s The Path of Totalityis not the worst album to be released in 2011, and this is why: With Korn, no one — or at least not me — went into it thinking it was going to be anything other than pure, drippy shit. But when it comes to our #1 choice, the same cannot be said.

The Path of Totality

Korn not only gave their album the same title as a far more superior album released earlier in the year, but they totally changed styles — hoping, once again, to get in on this whole dubstep trend while the getting’s good. I have no problem with dubstep, actually. I would never listen to it, but I appreciate the fact that it is leading all these deathcore buttdarts away from black metal, which is always a good thing.

Those who might think I have a bias against Korn should know that I actually listened to the entire album, with an open mind. Every other second, I was suicidal. And when I wasn’t suicidal, I was busy vomiting from how rancid this fucking album is. I hope all these losers who support Korn will finally wake up and realize these dudes are just trend-hoppers who adjust their sound to the ever-shifting tastes of 15-year-olds, because they love money.

3: We all knew Lulu, Metallica’s album with Lou Reed, was going to suck from the start. So really, you could never called Metallouca’s monstrosity the worst album of the year, because I told you when the project was first revealed the album would be pure tripe.

Lulu

Really, everything to be said about Lulu’s been said on this and other Web sites. The album is the most embarrassing thing Metallica’s ever done, and will forever leave a taint on their career. It’s audio jizz. No one likes jizz. Not even jizz likes jizz.

2: Steel Panther are one of the most annoying bands on the face of the planet, because they’re pure gimmick. They may be able to play instruments, but fundamentally, they’re a fake band.

Balls Out is their latest attempt at glam rock parody, and its truly underwhelming. The joke really isn’t funny anymore, if it ever was. The gimmick’s wearing thin, just like the hair on the heads of the dudes in the band. There’s a reason why this music died when grunge came along — it’s fucking gross, outdated, and flimsy.

If I wanted to listen to Whitesnake, motherfucker, I’d listen to fucking Whitesnake. Anyone who thinks these dudes are our answer to Spinal Tap is a fucking moron.

1: Morbid Angel’s long-awaited follow-up to Heretic was by far 2011‘s biggest disappointment. In terms of sheer anticipation, there was a wealth of it ahead of Illud Divinum Insanus‘ release.

Poop

People were clamoring for new Morbid Angel. Everyone was expecting to have their balls destroyed by this album. Instead, I think we all muttered “What the fuck?” to ourselves two minutes into Illud Divinum Insanus; I wish Trevor Strnad would’ve written a follow-up to his infamous column, trashing the disc. But he’s ignoring me like I fucked his sister or something.

No one expected the album would be the absolute pile of rotting shit that it is, least of all me. The album takes a beer shit on the very aspects of Morbid Angel we’ve all grown to love, in favor of head-ache inducing industrialized nonsense that’s no doubt lost the band legions of fans, and managed to send ripples through the metal world upon its release.

To listen to this album is an exercise in self-torture. It sounds like a bunch of old dudes trying to be an Atari Teenage Riot cover band. I know consider time differently. June 6 was the final day of the pre-Illud Divinum Insanus world. We now live in the post-Illud Divinum Insanus world, and my friends, it’s a most frightening place.

I guess Morbid Angel were just like, “Fuck legacies…let’s put out a dubstep record.” This is literally death metal dubstep, folks, and it’s fucking horrendous. For these reasons, Illud Divinum Insanus is easily the worst album of 2011.

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