Gwar Leader Offers Advice On Tracking Bracelets To Tim Lambesis


Gwar frontalien Oderus Urungus has issued an online statement about recently-bailed As I Lay Dying frontman Tim Lambesis; Gwar’s on the same label.

“Congratulations to label-mate and cut MF #timlambesis for making bail bro! Now get out there and hire some people to chop us some bitches,” Oderus writes.

“As far as the tracker-bracelet, I advocate getting one of similar size on the other leg. However, if the tracker is the latest model, made specifically for celebrities, then it’s practically weightless. Comfy, even.”

He added: “Then again, you sing for a metal band, so you might not get celebrity status, except with metal fans. You’ve got the old model.

“It weighs about eight pounds and is uncomfortable AS SHIT. Plus it hums and shocks. C’mon Tim, whats the matter? At least in #Richmond when we get charged with killing someone, we actually do it. #randyblythe”

Now wait one fucking minute, Oderus. Randy didn’t kill anyone. I’m not even sure he pushed anyone off that stage, to be honest.

That was a low blow, dude…especially when you consider your supposed to be friends with the Lamb of God dudes.

Otherwise, amazing work.

Best thing you’ve done since Scumdogs.

My advice to Lambesis? The only muscle you should be working out is that sphincter muscle. Squeeze it, for at least five hours a day. You need to build that thing off so none of your future roommates can squeeze their cock into it.

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