H.I.M. = Horribly Inept Music


Now, before I head into my obvious rip job of the so-called Rock Allegiance tour that came to my neck of the woods recently, I have to get one thing straight. 

Volbeat is a band that some people understand. Some don’t. I actually enjoy their music and am a fan of their version of “Elvis Metal.”

Think of it this way. If Johnny Cash had a child with Elvis Presley and the kid was raised by Metallica, that would be Volbeat in a nutshell. It’s different, innovative and there’s some pretty solid songs in the catalogue.

Sure, they have the standard rock radio singles but when you cut through the fat, songs like “Guitar Gangsters and Cadillac Blood” and “A Warrior’s Call” really knock you on your ass. Not to mention having legends like Barney Greenway and King Diamond guest on a couple tracks and playing Slayer songs at live shows whenever they can…that ups their cool factor tenfold.

I’m not here to bash Volbeat at all. They had a great set both times I saw them. 

The other bands, on the other hand, are not immune to me tearing them a new asshole. 

Let’s start with Airbourne. 

One day, guitarist and singer Joel O’Keeffe looked in the mirror. Now there were, most notably, spiders crawling up and down that mirror because he hails from Australia. He saw a vision. That vision was an AC/DC sticker in the reflection. He realized he had to train himself to sing exactly like Bon Scott, play guitar exactly like Angus Young and have his brother play simple drums like Phil Rudd. 

Thus became Airbourne. AC/DC clones who don’t give a fuck. Stage presence is alright but overall…meh. I’ve seen AC/DC before and by default. I’ve seen Airbourne too. 

Airbourne Live Show Score: 4/10

All That Remains. These boys from Massachusetts were once on top of the world. The Fall of Ideals is one of my all time favorite metal albums. It slays in every way possible. What doesn’t slay is their newest sack of shit album entitled A War You Cannot Win.

Nobody won when this released. They played three songs off the new album at this particular show and these songs had three glaring issues. They sucked, Phil Labonte was definitely altering his voice with some auto tune bullshit and the fans stood there, bored as fuck. 

The crowd went nutty when “Six” and “This Calling” blared but overall I only enjoyed Oli Herbert’s stupendous guitar virtuosity. 

A.T.R. Live Show Score: 5/10

H.I.M. To me, they are what Five Finger Cock Munch is to Chris Harris.

The fact that this band is on a bill with anything that remotely resembles a metal band sickens me. They are without a doubt the absolute worst live band I’ve seen in my entire life and I’ve seen Device. 

Stupid heartagrams? Check. Whiny chicks who know nothing about music? Check. Plexiglass surrounding the drummer so it deflects shit that gets thrown at him? Check. Horrible musicianship? Check. 

It was the longest hour of my life. I wanted to kill myself. Death would be a sweet relief because then I’d get to see good musicians like Dime and Schuldiner. I can only say one good thing about their set.

They stopped playing and left. Hooray. 

H.I.M. (Horrible Imbeciles Masturbating) Live Show Score: 0/10 (…and that’s being generous)

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