Lamb Of God’s Blythe Continues Presidential Campaign, Wants To Abolish Christmas

Randy Blythe

At least that’s how it appears. In the latest installment to his blog, Lamb of God frontman and 2012 presidential candidate Randy Blythe has decided to discuss the economy — part of his platform, I am sure.

“My fellow Americans: Our great nation is in the midst of an economic nightmare,” Blythe writes. “We have seen the recession that exploded in 2008 through, but 2012 promises yet another, the magnitude of which is as of yet to be determined. Our national debt, as of this writing, is over 15 trillion dollars. That means if we divide up the National Public Debt among our citizens, then each citizen of the United States of America is approximately 49,000 dollars in debt, or in a more realistic estimate, each tax paying citizen is somewhere along the line of 135,000 dollars in debt. Holy guacamole Batman, that’s A LOT of cheddar! And it’s steadily climbing. Don’t believe me? I suggest you take a quick peek at Besides making your eyeballs hurt, you’ll get a real time update on our fiscal disaster. It’s here, it’s not pretty, and it ain’t just gonna go away.

“President Obama has called for a balanced solution to our woes, but has yet to present any sort of viable battle strategy to get this escalating debt under control. Where is the tax reform? The congressional ‘super-commitee’ had a deadline in November to come to SOME SORT of conclusion concerning our incredibly screwed up tax code, but what happened? They just threw up their soft, well-manicured bi-partisan hands and said ‘Fuck it!’ President Obama obviously doesn’t have the leadership qualities (i.e.- BALLS, which, might I remind you, I have an abundance of) necessary to get these childish assholes in line and have our country big pimpin’ again. How many times can the debt ceiling be raised until the Feddy Guv defaults? What will happen when China (the country we owe the most money to) wants their loot and they want it NOW? One billion short dudes in Mao jackets will be in front of the Federal Reserve chanting ‘The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn! BURN MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!!!’

“The Republican candidate? When Mitt Romney (because let’s face it, it WILL be Romney on the GOP ticket- no one else has a chance) was recently asked how much money he had, he replied ‘It’s between $150 and about $200 some-odd million dollars, I think that’s what the estimates are.’

“‘I THINK it’s between $150 and about $200 some-odd MILLION DOLLARS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?’ ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The man is comfortable enough with his money to NOT KNOW about a FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR DIFFERENCE IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT? Is this the kind of man you think is going to give a shit about ANYONE other than his ultra-rich cronies? Money isn’t even REAL to guys like this. I have a fucking conniption fit over a three dollar ATM fee when I am overseas. Does a man like Mitt Romney even know HOW to use an ATM? Fuggedaboutit.
“Never fear America, Uncle Randy is here. I have a plan to get us out of it, back on top, and fanning those Benjamins like JAY-Z in his latest million-dollar budget music video pimp-fest. It’s not going to be popular at first, but hey, neither were those ugly-ass Crocs thingys and now you got knock-offs from every country in Asia flodding the shelves of K-Marts across the land.

“I regret to inform you all, but I’m going to have to cancel Christmas. Yes, that’s right, when I take office, Christmas will no longer be a Federal holiday, at least until America is outta the red and back in black like AC/DC. On December 25th those with jobs will go to work. Those without jobs will get off their asses and go look for one. We don’t have time for all this holiday nonsense- our hustle is WEAK right now, America- IT’S TIME TO STEP IT UP.

“In fact, gift-giving for Christmas will be ILLEGAL. I’m nixing the whole terrible winter holiday consumerist frenzy all together. No more Christmas, no more Hanukkah, no more Kwaanza- basically any sort of once joyous non-secular occasion based on peace, love, and family that people now really just use as an excuse to spend money they don’t have. I can hear the complaining already: ‘How can President Blythe be so cruel? No Christmas? This is UNAMERICAN! PLEASE, El Jefe, NO! Anything but Christmas! Why, oh God, WHY?!?!?’

“I’ll tell you why. Incredibly, on Nov. 8th, 2011 (‘Cyber Monday’), Americans spent ONE POINT TWO-FIVE BILLION DOLLARS SHOPPING ONLINE. This up 22% from the previous year, and is the heaviest online spending day in history. That is just ONE DAY’S spending of the 2011 holiday buying orgy. Our economy is in the shitter, and people are racking up record credit card balances (more on that later) buying a bunch of crap they don’t need WITHOUT EVEN LEAVING THEIR LA-Z-BOYS. Once I’m in the White House (which will be repainted Mossy Oak camo for tactical & morale building purposes), this kind of irresponsible fiscal insanity will STOP.

“Your squealing brats are gonna have to wait for that what-ever-useless-piece-of-plastic-is-hot-now-thing they have been driving you NUTS to get them for another four years or so. By then they will have forgotten it anyway. Obviously they don’t really care about it or need it in the first place. It’s not like the new Tickle Me Elmo is something an American child REALLY NEEDS, something like, oh let’s say health care, or a strong, no-nonsense educational system that isn’t churning out ill-disciplined, semi-illiterate, self-entitled little shits at an astonishing rate.  

“Don’t even get me started on the nation-wide public display of PURE SAVAGERY that is ‘Black Friday.’ Remember America, what we do in life echoes in eternity on YouTube. And lately? We look like ASSHOLES. Americans NEED to take whatever money they were planning on spending for Christmas, even if it’s just one red American cent, and PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED BANK. Our country is undeniably in a bad spot cash-flow wise, but how in God’s name can you complain about the bad economy, being broke, and blame your financial woes on the government with ANY SORT OF HONESTY AT ALL when you blew January’s rent before November was even over at fucking Wal-Mart? This isn’t a game of Monopoly, for Chrissakes.

“It’s LUDICROUS. To illustrate how I will handle any sniveling, whining, or bellyaching about this particular issue, let me to turn to a part of the American conscious even the broke and illiterate are familiar with (Hollywood), and adapt a scene from a few ‘A Few Good Men.’ Think of me as Jack Nicholson and the American public as Tom Cruise.

“President Blythe: ‘You want a holiday?’

“America: ‘We think we’re entitled to one.’

“President Blythe: ‘You want a holiday?’
“America: ‘We want Christmas!’

“President Blythe: ‘YOU CAN’T HANDLE CHRISTMAS!!!’

“America: ‘Did you order Christmas canceled?’

“President Blythe: ‘I did the job you sent me to do.’

“America: ‘Did you order Christmas canceled?!?!?’

“President Blythe: ‘YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!’”

Read the rest of Randy’s blog here.

Submit to StumbleUponSubmit to StumbleUponShare on TumblrShare on TumblrShare via emailShare via emailShareShareIf you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like