Lordi Drummer Fired For Taking Stupid Mask Off

Adam Lambert

As you may know, Finnish gimmick metal outfit Lordi — the poor man’s Gwar — dress up like space creatures or some such nonsense and then play metal music. They’re like Slipknot, only lame. People fucking love this band for some reason I simply can not grasp. Lordi, marzipan, and Fiddle Faddle: The three things on this planet whose appeal I just will never understand. And I am OK with that. I have come to terms with it.

I guess Lordi take themselves waaaaaay too seriously, because over the weekend, the band fired their drummer Kita because he revealed his true identity to the world. I know, it’s fucking dumb. This band is just so dumb. By the way, what kind of name is Kita? It’s a fucking dumb name. Dumb.

“It is our unfortunate task to inform that Kita is no longer a member of Lordi,” since he “made a decision to pursue his own career publicly as himself, without his alter ego Kita. This is in direct conflict with one of the cornerstones of Lordi’s image,” the band says in a statement. Dude — they’re referring to their own image. The image they’ve fabricated because otherwise, no one would give a fuck. “Therefore it is not possible for him to continue as a member of the band anymore.”

Kita has joined forces with another exiled Lordi member to compete as the Finnish entrants in some “American Idol”-like TV show that airs all across Europe. Kita shed his mask and revealed himself as Sampsa Astala, and he lost his job in Lordi. You are better off, dude.

“Lordi will continue as always, masked and costumed, consisting of monster personas,” the statement concluded, not mentioning the fact that their old drummer is the spitting image of Adam Lambert. “Also, the upcoming tour will happen as planned. We thank Kita for the years he has been an important part of the band and our successes and wish him all the best in his future.”

After reading that statement, how can you still like this band? At least Gwar don’t reference the fact that they’re just dressing up. Slipknot never speak of their masks. Lordi is open about the fact that they’re a gimmick. And if you can still like that, you are officially banned from reading this blog.

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