Report: Why DevilDriver Really Split With Jeff Kendrick

Could My Little Pony be to blame?

DezDez

Dez

Pioneer trend-hoppers DevilDriver recently split with guitarist Jeff Kendrick. A fume of mystery wisped through our minds’ nostrils when the subject arose.

Being the intrepid reporters we are at GSA, we followed our noses. The smell of discord and unwashed tour socks wafted as we tracked the scent of Dez Fafara.

After following several mis-smelled leads to various curry joints, we finally found him. And serious reflux from the succulent curry.

We also found the truth about the break-up of the year.

Warning: What you are about to see may disturb you.

In his typical raspy drawl, Fafara reported that the reason for Kendrick’s departure was a severe dispute about which My Little Pony character was the best.

Both avid participants in the brony community, Fafara and Kendrick have a zealous devotion to the the little girls’ cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

The extent of their fanhood is not certain, but at press-time it is speculated Fafara writes My Little Pony fanfiction revolving around a new pony he developed named “Dezwina.”

Fafara, wearing a sleeveless Bathory shirt and VIP laminates to last year’s BronyCon, firmly holds that Rainbow Dash is the best pony. He claims the cartoon equine can “control weather and can basically fly better than any horse in Equestria. Rainbow Dash doesn’t give a shit; she’s like the Johnny Cash of MLP, a lot like I’m the Johnny Cash of black metal.”

According to recent reports, Fafara’s fourth and latest application to Fenriz of Dark Throne for DevilDriver to be officially recognized as a black metal band was rejected last month. “I know I’m evil enough,” says Fafara, “maybe my essay on how pandas are the must kvlt creatures ever killed it.”

It should be noted that Fafara pronounces the “v” in “kvlt.”

When asked about Kendrick, Fafara said, “Jeff’s such a casual brony! In fact he doesn’t deserve the title of ‘brony!’ I know I’m supposed to love and tolerate him, but his favorite pony is such an obvious one, Fluttershy. It’s like all these assholes who say they like black metal but can’t even name a single Cradle of Filth or Dimmu Borgir song. It honestly makes me sick thinking about it.”

Fafara, known for his blunt honesty, proceeded to regurgitate into one of the many fedoras in his living room. It sounded a lot like Winter Kills.

Submit to StumbleUponSubmit to StumbleUponShare on TumblrShare on TumblrShare via emailShare via emailShareShareIf you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

0 Shares:
Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You May Also Like