Revolver’s Golden Gods Awards: Winners Revealed

Corey Taylor

I’ve never attended the Golden Gods Awards before, mostly because they’re held in Los Angeles and, well, that’d require flying. Flying requires cash, and I truly don’t have any money to spare.

Even when someone comes up to me at the bus station, asking for money so they can get back home, I tell them: I’m broke, bitch. Go ask someone wearing a suit for spare change.

The key word here is spare.

Anyways, that’s neither here nor there. Last night, news of Jeff Hanneman’s death cast a specter over Revolver’s Golden Gods Awards, where the winners were once again lackluster and predictable.

The Best Guitarist award went to John 5, which is fine. The other nominees were lame.

The Best Drummer went to Arejay Hale of Halestorm, over Abe Cunningham of Deftones, Gene Hoglan of Dethklok/Testament, and Mario Duplantier of Gojira.

HIM won the award for Most Dedicated Fans (homos who get Heartagrams tatted all over on them definitely fits that bill, and by homos, I mean homo sapiens), while Slipknot won the award for Best Live Band, over the likes of Anthrax, Lamb of God, and Hatebreed.

Device was chosen as the Best New Talent, over Ghost and Kvelertak, among others. And the Comeback Of The Year went to fucking Tenacious D over Refused, Quicksand, and Soundgarden.

Tenacious D? People stopped caring about them some six years ago.

Lemmy Kilmister of Motörhead was named Best Bassist, while Corey Taylor bested Chino Moreno and Phil Anselmo for Best Vocalist.

Song of the year? Black Veil Brides’ “In The End,” of course. The Album of the Year was Deftones’ Koi No Yokan, which is fine, but then they finally give Tony Iommi the Riff Lord Award.

Fuck, that award should be named after the man.

Revolver’s Golden Gods, proving once again that awards shows mean nothing.

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