Serpentine Path Sign With Relapse

Serpentine Path

So, yeah — yesterday, I had a shitty day. I was working the whole damn day through, and at some point, while I was attending this event for work, my car was towed.

I called the tow company in disgust, to find out how much it was going to cost me, and where I could go, to recover my car. I was told $150 cash…and that I was getting a break. The shop was two miles away, and I was irate. I asked the dude if he saw the press placards on my windshield (they’re huge), and I was told press or no press, I couldn’t park in a private lot and that there was no way I was talking my way out of it. The dude hung up.

This has nothing to do with Serpentine Path, the New York City doom act featuring members of Electric Wizard, Unearthly Trance, and Ramesses who’ve just signed a deal with Relapse…but, this story’s to good to stop now.

So, I was going to have to run or walk two miles to my car. As I was waiting for the ATM to pull the last remaining dollars from my account, I started plotting my revenge. My mind immediately went to stink palm — when you bury your hand in your ass crack and shake someone’s hand, hoping to make them ill.

But that, I thought, would make my hand stink. So, instead, I crammed the $160 into my crack, and for two miles, it sat in there, festering…soaking up the swamp ass.

I wanted to call the shop after I left to tell them the money they had just handled was soaked with my ass sweat and had been sitting up against my butthole for 10 minutes, but figured they would probably wash their hands after that.

I didn’t want them washing their hands.

Anyways, so Serpentine Path — which is a great name, actually — are recording their self-titled full-length debut for a fall 2012 release through Relapse.

Bassist Jay Newman commented on the signing: “Serpentine Path is honored to announce that our debut album will be released by Relapse Records! The four of us aim for nothing but the most uncompromising and intense death/doom metal songs we can possibly create.”

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