Six Crowdfunding Campaigns You Donated To Instead Of GSA

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It’s worthwhile…

You are all well aware of the Patreon campaign GSA is running to try to save this site. You have to be. Reminders are posted every day, and those reminders get “likes” and “shares” and “reblogs” and “RTs” and whatever other internet masturbatory linking mechanisms there are. 

Despite everybody fully intending to make it known to the world that GSA is about to bite the dust in a month an 4 days, only 21 of you have proven to have the planetary-sized balls to give up $1 a month. 

What’s your excuse for withholding? I’d love to hear it.

GSA has provided over 5 long, hard years of totally free entertainment for you, posting at least 10 stories a day. Are 6 packs of gum worth more to you than an entire year’s worth of metal news? And from the only site that has fought a fight so good Five Finger Death Punch has banned Chris Harris, the HMFIC, from ever seeing their shows live?

That’s heavy metal street cred you can’t find anywhere else on the entire internet.

All that aside, Denizens of the Internet, you have indicated what you’d rather see survive in the streams of commerce than GunShyAssassin.com. The Internet, a community to which all of you readers belong, has deemed these crowdfunding campaigns worthy of your time and money while silently telling GSA to kick rocks, mockingly hitting the “like” button on Facebook at the same time. 

While the sands in GSA’s hourglass rattle their way to the southern chamber, you’ve okayed a production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet performed entirely by a breed of dog so ugly it could be be put on the cover of an Aborted album, the pug. That was worth over $5,000 to you, folks. So far, you’ve only valued GSA at $81.

I’m sure you’d love to watch that shit more than you like listening to the underground music we stream in the Reader’s Bands, Under the Radar, the erstwhile Disastercast, and the exclusive debut columns we run. Idiots. 

Ya’ll made it possible to make a giant papier mache head of Lionel Richie for nearly 12 grand. That’s really helpful and super funny…if you have to wear a helmet to open the refrigerator. Nice going, Internet. You know how to choose ’em: like a redneck choosing which sister marry first.

Instead of supporting GSA and getting kick ass GunShyAssassin shirts, the Internet has decided that they’d rather conceal their hairy manboobs with “Miley F*cking Cyrus Shirts.” You hang that one right next to your Revocation shirt in the closet, don’t you, posers? Great way to spend that 528 bucks, Internet. 

Do you like Dr. Who? Well there’s something you can do to make up for that dumb assery, because you probably helped raise nearly $89,000 to launch a replica of the stupidest spaceship in all science fiction history, a phone booth called the T.A.R.D.I.S., into space. Beyond Dr. Who being one of the most repetitive, poorly written, wanna-be-hip, riding-its-own-coat-tails shows, it has one of the most gullible, unimaginative fan bases around.

Wait, why am I insulting you if you’re that gullible. HEY, WHOVIANS, DONATE TO GSA, WE HAVE COOKIES! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! OTHER DR. WHO MEMES! 

Did you forget what day it is? You probably did because you forgot to contribute to GSA’s survival. Here’s the “World’s Most Super Amazing 100% Awesome Cat Calendar,” which you probably helped raise over 25 grand for, and should actually be called “The Calendar I Bought to Prove I Am In Fact A Virgin.” 

Finally, I would just like to remind you that you saw fit to donate nearly $80,000 to Tim Lambesis, a criminal not even smart enough to make sure the hit man he wanted to hire to murder his wife was not a cop, a man so stupid that he wrote three albums using the same lame joke, a man so fake he changes his religious and political views whenever the public view starts disfavoring him. 

But the guy who spread the news about his wrongdoings through the metal media, the guy who never supported this ass clown in the first place, the guy you can depend on to tell it like it is and never kowtow to corporate influence or butthurt, no-talent, sell-outs — you, Internet, have said Chris’ efforts are not worth what it takes to secure your mother’s services for an evening of subpar entertainment.  

I hope you’re happy, Internet. Have fun MetalSucking Vince Neilstein’s Revolver, sycophants.

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