Smashing Pumpkins’ Next LP Could Be Their Last

Smashing Pumpkins

Let’s fucking hope so, people. Am I right? I mean, at this point, the Smashing Pumpkins are the Guns N’ Roses of 1990s alt-rock/avant-metal. It’s just Billy Corgan and a bunch of kids who probably tell him how cool he is all day.

“Oh Billy…tell us the story about the time you wrote the lyrics for ‘1979’ again, would you? Would you, please?”

“Well, alright,” I imagine Billy would respond. “I was in a forrest in Seattle, tripping on ‘shrooms, staring at my gigantic hands, when this grizzly tries to rape my mouth.”

Anyways, so, Bill Corgan tells Billboard.com that after his attempts to sell music online failed miserably when fans called bullshit, he will issue Oceania through traditional formats.

Corgan says the success of Oceania when it is released later this fall could determine the future of Smashing. “If we’re able to get that sense that something’s happening again and get people to rally behind us a bit, I think then the next three, four years will be very, very interesting for the band,” said a delusional Corgan.

Dude. Let me clue you in on something. It’s not 1997 anymore. No one gives a rat’s fuck about Smashing Pumpkins. You’re a nostalgia act. Stop releasing albums, and tour with these youngsters and plays Siamese Dream in its entirety. That’s what motherfuckers want. Not new shit — they wanna hear the songs they grew up listening to.

Embrace the fact that you are alt-rock’s Axl Rose. You’re both bald, you’re both the sole original members of bands people only marginally care about, and you both keep telling yourselves people care — that they really care.

They really don’t. Not about new Smashing Pumpkins, anyways.

“I think if it basically hits the same wall a lot of other things has hit, I think we’re just going to have to step back and really re-evaluate where we’re going, because it’s a tremendous amount of energy to put out to just feel like you’re throwing a pebble in the ocean,” Corgan said.

Give it up. No new tunes, dude.

Oceania is expected to arrive in November. I am expected to marry Nicole Fiorentino, one of the new Pumpkins, in 2014.

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