SMNews Tries To Sell Us Rave Metal

The man behind rave metal

Generally, SMNews is a site I like to visit daily because they have this hot blonde chick working for them and I really wanna put my Willie in her Wonka. But today, I have to call bullshit on a story they ran on “rave metal.” Rave metal? Really guys? That’s fucking retarded. There, I said it. I listened to this band they’re championing called Be My Enemy, and you know what it sounds like? Poop. A big steaming pile of vegan shit. Rave metal. Fuck you!

There’s no room for anything called rave metal in music. NO FUCKING ROOM. This is perhaps the worst thing I’ve heard that’s been billed as “metal” since I was first tricked into listening to 3OH!3 or whatever that fucking band’s name is.

Be My Enemy sounds — musically — like a handicapped Atari Teenage Riot. It sounds like bad Powerman 5000 crossed with a feeble attempt by a high school band at copying Stabbing Westward. It’s a one-man operation — some dude named Phil Barry who is part of some “British techno/metal outfit Cubante.”

SMNews, you need to stop. Techno/metal? Stop putting shit next to the word metal. STOP IT! I am not buying the crazy you are selling. This band is fucking vomit. This is techno, you fuckheads. TECHNO!!! Like former Roadrunner artist Frankie Bones is techno. It’s like the Prodigy crossed with the Prodigy. It’s fucking awful. How much are you getting paid to back this freak?

I don’t know how I can trust anything this site says in the future. Rave metal? Described as “dance, mosh and stage dive to?” Fuck that business. How dumb do you think we are?

If you still wanna hear Be My Enemy after all that, fucking Google it asshole. Fuck, am I pissed. RAVE METAL? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Please tell me you’re joking or getting paid a lot of cash to sell out and — in the infinite words of Bill Hicks — “suck satan’s pecker down your gullet.”

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