So, I’m Totally Smitten With Rentap’s Phoenix

My womanMy woman

My woman

Back in December, I wrote an article about the Dutch band Rentap, an infectious rock outfit featuring former members of Pestilence, The Devil’s Blood, and Exivious and a powerfully-piped frontwoman named Phoenix.

Her press photo had my heart doing jumping jacks, and her body had other parts of me moving too. Of course, the admitted pervert I am, I had to express my desire for her in the way only I can.

I started rattling off sick, demented, but sincere questions, including one about whether she wears skivvies or not.

Did I ever expect she’d Google her name and band and come across my rant? I guess a small part of me knew she would, but expected she’d react to my humor the way most women do: she’d be revolted, and never visit Gunshy Assassin ever again.

I never imagined she’d reply with responses to my questions, making the pitter patter of my blackened, calloused heart ramp into overdrive.

Let’s just say I could see myself moving to Holland.

Phoenix, who will likely be my bride before the year is over, hit me up with an email saying the article “made me laugh my ass off! Thanks for all of the compliments and the fantastic piece on my band.”

Admittedly, I didn’t really give her band that much praise. Why? I’m a cretin who likes it heavier than what Rentap deliver. But can I say that they’ll appeal to the rock-loving masses in America, who think most metal’s just random screaming about Satan or dead babies? I can.

Phoenix answered some of my inquests, too. “Yes, I am single; yes, I do dig American dudes (I used to date an American tattoo artist from New Jersey). And yes, I occasionally choose not to wear any panties underneath my clothes.”

I’m in love, people.

I happen to live in Jersey, she dated a guy from Jersey; I hate lingerie, she doesn’t necessarily dig it all the time either. Match made in heaven, I think.

Her note to me ended: “Oh and by the way: I am an outstanding cook! So I’m sure that after eating one of my meals, you would definitely make me sign a pre-nup.”

Baby, I wouldn’t make you sign a thing.

Phoenix from Rentap is a righteous chick with the voice of an angry angel. She’s a good sport, with a killer face and a glorious bod to match.

I’d totally rentap that, if you know what I mean.

I responded back to her that I think she should consider becoming an American citizen via marrying my ass, because seems like a cool chick who could keep up with me and maybe even keep me on my toes.

This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, folks.

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