Year-end “best of” lists are full of shit. While it’s no secret that 98.3-percent of paid music journalists are inept cunts and 100-percent of us hobby bloggers are narcissistic dildos, it takes a real fuckin’ turd to suggest they’ve heard — AND FUCKING PROCESSED — all of the year’s relevant releases by the first week of December, which is when the alpha-turds begin jerking themselves off over records they didn’t pay for.
And in the perpetually futile spirit of the metaphysical eunuch circle jerk that “best of” lists inherently belong to, there even seems to be a race amongst the most unscrupulous Onanists to be the first to finish.
Fuck. Right. Off.
Now, I realize that a lot of records are promoted (and subsequently leaked) a month or more ahead of their street date… but I refuse to entertain the notion that a record released the first week of December will enjoy the same degree of consideration as one that’s been in regular rotation since February.
And how would you account for those exotic underground gems that saw no publicity or hype? Those can take time to be unearthed, only to shine the brightest. I wasn’t even aware of the existence of some of the releases below until halfway through 2013.
So, now that I’ve digested my 2012 compleat, I cordially invite you all to step back and admire the opulence of my shit:
1. Trust’s TRST
The most Satanic release of 2012; sorry Deathspell.
2. Xibalba’s Hasta La Muerte
So fucking ignorant.
3. Mgla’s With Hearts Toward None
4. Beastmilk’s Use Your Deluge EP
Of course I got my first taste before the rest of the jerks. I’m also better looking.
5. Fabio Frizzi’s The Beyond original soundtrack (reissue)
Light a candle, pet a German Shepherd and get high as the dickens; the book of Eibon has prophesied it.
6. Vemod’s Venter pa Stormene
Cold, hypnotic and not of this world; this album – one of Norway’s finest post ’94 exports – will obsess you!!!
7. Svartidaudi’s Flesh Cathedral
Dynamic, living, breathing Black Metal masterfully sculpted to engage and horrify; this album will possess you!!!
8. The Shrine’s Primitive Blast
If the bad-ass riffs and even-badder attitudes of late 70′s Black Sabbath, Black Flag and Thin Lizzy had an ADHD-addled reprobate skaterat powderbaby with Seka as the surrogate and Glen E. Friedman the mohel, that majestic motherfucker would be The Shrine. And as much as I fucking love this record, they’re even better live.
9. Graveyard’s Lights Out
The old way the right way.
10. Hooded Menace’s Effigies of Evil
First they groove and then… they boogie!
11. Umberto’s Night Has A Thousand Screams
Umberto is my astral travel agent. He takes me places. Hidden, invite-only discotheques populated by long, cruel women with darkness und sass to match the wickedness of their haunches.
12. Varathron’s Genesis of the Unaltered Evil compilation
The LP, it smell ollllllllllllllld and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil.
13. Teitanblood’s Woven Black Arteries
Feverish Devil worship.
14. Chromatics’ Kill for Love
Lush analogue dreampop electropussy. Cinematic in scope and flawless in execution. Beyond that, I genuinely lack the syntax, vocabulary and reference points to adequately convey just how fucking great this record is. Almost too good to share; lucky for you, I’m a philanthropist.
15. Satan’s Satyrs’ Wild Beyond Belief!
I fell with this band when I heard their ode to being a werewolf biker, “Lycancycler Cult,” and have played two shows with them to date, neither of which I remember. I dare YOU to stay sober while a band half as rad as Satan’s Satyrs plays a song called “Electric Witchwhipper.”
The grand high arbiter of fuck has spoken. Bless.
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