The Grammy Debacle

Black SabbathBlack Sabbath

Black Sabbath

Now overall, award ceremonies are really just jerk off ceremonies. They bring together the so called “best of the best” and hand out stupid little trophies to feed the winners’ egos. Sometimes it is more than warranted though. Bryan Cranston constantly winning Emmy’s for his role as Walter White in the amazing show “Breaking Bad” is something that deserves that kind of recognition.

For us dear metal folk, we have the Revolver Golden Gods Awards but even the true metal fans know it’s all about who’s the most popular band and not about who the best musicians are.

So when it comes to music in general, the Grammys are the default award show. It covers all genres and categories but glorifies pop, hip hop and others along those lines. What does the metal community get out of it?

One award. That’s presented on the pre-show.

Ever since the inception of the “Best Metal Performance,” whoever the people are who decide the award have done nothing but fuck it up year after year. Metallica, when they still rocked, lost to Jethro Tull. When you think of metal, you think of the ‘Tull, right?

Eventually, they combined the best hard rock award with the metal award, as if they’re both the same type of genre. It’s all metal, because Buck Cherry is just as legendary, heavy and important as Cannibal Corpse.

Why don’t we have a sarcasm font yet?

Luckily this year, they nixed that stupid ass rule, but the mediocrity still continues.

Either way the award itself was made meaningless in it’s debut at the Grammys more than 25 years ago. What’s made it worse over the years?

1. St. Anger winning best metal performance. Anyone who knows anything about the heavy stuff knows that if any ‘Tallica record received a trophy, it wouldn’t be that God-awful mess they released in 2003.

2. Motörhead won a Grammy. Now, that alone is more than acceptable BUT the circumstances were just plain fucked. They won… because they covered “Whiplash.” Insert joke here.

3. Lamb of God was ousted by Halestorm and the Foo Fighters won as well. I guess they finally realized how moronic that is and thankfully split the categories again.

So here we are in 2014. 2013 was a damn good year for metal songs and albums. Carcass and Gorguts finally released new material after layoffs that were way too long. Holy Grail, Toxic Holocaust and Battlecross gave us hope for the future. Amon Amarth, Suffocation and The Dillinger Escape Plan cemented their legacies as all time greats of the genre.

So obviously it would be a tough choice for nominees for best metal performance.

Oh right, it’s the Grammys.

Killswitch Engage and Volbeat get nominated for “In Due Time” and “Room 24,” respectively. I’m cool with that, but the Grammys reared their ugly head once again.

Dream Theater was nominated for some reason and so was Anthrax. For a cover of an AC/DC song.

Knowing full well who the two most popular metal bands ever are, only one of them released music last year and no, Metallica didn’t win for their “riveting” performance of “One” with some idiotic Chinese pianist.

Black Sabbath won because they released music. If Ozzy farted into a mic, Tony played 3 chords and Rick Rubin mixed it with power tools, it would’ve won.

“God is Dead?” is a satisfactory song. I’m a huge Sabbath supporter but I could name 300 songs from 2013 that were better.

It’s now time to change who votes on this “award.” My nominations are:

Corpsegrinder. We need the previous award deciders to be amputated… rancidly.

Gene Hoglan. Whatever material he put out, it would automatically win anyway so let’s make him immediately unable to win.

Frank Mullen. He would be so drunk he would end up picking Car Bomb every year whether they dropped anything or not. Fortunately he’d pass out before he handed in his vote so that gives another entry to Gene.

Gotta love those Grammys…

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