The Hell Issue Open Letter To Metalcore

The HellThe Hell

The Hell

Some useless band no one cares about called The Hell, whose members wear bandanas on their faces like bandits, has issued an open letter to metalcore.

Yes, the genre.

It’s all in caps and reads:

“JUST FUCK OFF.

“I AM WRITING YOU THIS AS AN OPEN LETTER, NOT BECAUSE I AM TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO SAY IT TO YOUR FACE, BUT BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND YOUR FUCKING ADDRESS IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

“PLEASE STOP. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ANY MORE. IT’S DIFFICULT TO WORK OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FROM ANYONE. I SAW A FEW METALCORE BANDS OVER THE SUMMER AND I’VE NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING FURIOUS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. THESE GUYS GET UP ON STAGE, SHOUTING ‘WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS READY FOR A GOOD FUCKING TIME,’ AND THEN PROCEED TO SCREAM EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY ROMANTIC FAILURE THEY’VE EVER HAD. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT MATE. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO WANT TO HEAR IT ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE INTERESTED IN SHIT LIKE CRYING AND FLOWERS.

“A TIP FROM THE TOP THOUGH, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO STOMACH YOUR OVERLY-SENTIMENTAL, GROTESQUE CIRCUS OF HEARTBREAK IF YOU WEREN’T SELLING T-SHIRTS TO PRE-TEENS THAT LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF SWEARY, MISOGYNIST VERSION OF ADVENTURE TIME.

“YOU’RE CONFUSED, METALCORE. IT’S ALMOST UPSETTING. TAKE ‘ALONE‘ BY FALLING IN REVERSE. IT’S CLASSIC METALCORE. VERSES ABOUT HOW YOU’RE SHAGGING MY HYPOTHETICAL WIFE, THEN A (BEAUTIFULLY SUNG) CHORUS ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FED UP OF BEING ALONE AND YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT HOME AND NO ONE’S ON THE PHONE AND DIAL TONE AND PAYDAY LOAN. JUST FUCK OFF.

“SO METALCORE, TO AVOID FUTURE HEARTBREAK AND TO SPARE US ANY MORE METALCORE ALBUMS – STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT.”

This simple fact is you can not write a letter to metalcore, because its a musical genre. These dudes are just posting this letter to get people pissed off at them.

It’s click-bait. I recognize it as such as I’m a perpetrator myself.

But this band The Hell? Really? We need this kind of horseshit in the world?

I’d rather get AIDS than listen to these talentless fucks.

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