The White Sweater GWAR-BQ

Sean Harris

I honestly cannot remember the last time I witnessed Jesus Christ, Barack Obama and Adolf Hitler getting decapitated and mutilated in one night, while all their blood coated an insane metal audience. Who’s show could this possibly be? Paul McCartney? Chuck Berry? CCR?

Well, if you’re on this Web site, you’re definitely not looking for news about those three. I don’t think John Fogerty is very good friends with Oderus Urungus nor do I think Chuck Berry is a Dungeons and Dragons-loving art school dropout.

GWAR! You know them, I know them. Anyone who watches Jerry Springer knows them. Man, do these guys bring the pain. If you ever attend a GWAR concert do one thing and one thing only: Get down on your scabby knees, bow down and let the Scumdogs rain blood down on your pathetic existence. I took the advice of my GWAR buddies and adhered to the protocol of wearing white clothing while being in the front row. In went my white sweater without a stain on it and out came an article of clothing that was so disgusting, King Diamond would’ve said, “That’s too much bro.”

Of course, me and my brilliant mind thought it would be a grand idea to not bring a change of clothes for afterwards. So there I was walking down Granville Street in Vancouver with my white clothing stained red, head to toe. As I hopped on the sky train I was met with more than a few odd looks. As each passing stop went by, nobody could muster up any balls to sit even remotely close to me.

“Look honey, it’s one of those GWAR freaks we always hear about!”

“They’re much uglier in real life.”

Alright maybe it wasn’t that bad but you get the point. Unless you’re a fan of them, you will never understand why we enjoy covering ourselves with the gushy stuff. When I was driving myself home, in only my underwear mind you, I realized that point exactly. Don’t ever bother explaining metal, or the fans of it, to an outsider. All you’ll get is the looks that I received on the Van City sky train.

Most times, oneself will be pleased with the main event band at any given show. This exhibition was no different. Although, slowly but surely, I am tiring of the events that are four bands or more. Festivals don’t usually happen in Western Canada, at least not for metal. I’m sure I’d have a blast at one of those but what I attended last week was not what I would call comfortable. Legacy of Disorder opened up the night and their brand of the heavy stuff from New Zealand surely got the crowd moving. They’re young, up-and-coming and have a very bright future. Cancer Bats ooze stage presence and were the perfect addition to a solid bill. Their awesome cover of the Beastie Boys “Sabotage” sent the crowd into a frenzy. Punk metal is the flavor they hand out and it’ll last much longer than a month. Just another case of an excellent Canadian band on the rise to bigger and better things.

In my opinion it should’ve stopped there. GWAR comes out, rocks the joint, and we all go home happy. Three good bands is comfy.

BUT NO!

Now I’m not much for throwing bands under the bus but this is GunShyAssassin and I’ll say what I want.

Devildriver unfortunately came out and stunk up the joint. The sound was horrible. You couldn’t hear a damn thing Dez Fafara was screaming and their performance was a few steps below god awful. Devildriver is one of the only bands I can honestly say were a waste of my hard-earned dollars. I haven’t felt this fucked since I saw The Answer open for AC/DC.

Thank fuck for GWAR! You guys can enjoy my money.

Dez… I want 25% of my ticket price back.

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