This Is The Last Time You’ll See The Word ‘Iwrestledabearonce’ On This Site

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So, those fucking clowns in Iwrestledabearonce aren’t going black metal after all. Nope — they’re staying just as lame as they’ve ever been because, as I suspected, the shift in direction was a dumb fucking joke co-orchestrated by MetalSucks. Well, hardy fucking har.

The fact that the whole black metal shift was some elaborate prank the band engineered to make some of us all look like gullible dumbasses pisses me the fuck off, for one reason and one reason only. They used their publicist as a fucking pawn and had her send around a press release announcing the change.

Had it been just on their Facebook, say, or just on MetalSucks, I would have been fine with this “joke” because I probably would not have run a story on this site about it. I would’ve waited to make sure it was for real, because that’s pretty unbelievable.

Then again, it was also really believable because IWABO are the kind of band that will do anything just to be popular, so switching to black metal would have been something I’d have expected from them. After all, they’re a metal band and don’t want to be. They’ve recorded a whole album that sounds like Bjork that no one wants you to hear — that’s what I have been told by people in the fucking know. Fake fucks.

Look, I know it might sound like I’m just whining, but the direction shift was explained in a fucking press release from an official spokesperson for the band — as an authentic news item! This is the same woman I would’ve called if someone from the band was rumored to be in rehab.

“Hey, is that stupid chick from that lame-ass band in rehab?” “Well, I’ll have to get back to you on that Chris,” which means “I’ll not answer your calls or respond to your emails for at least two months.” I ran with the story because it was in an official fucking press release. What did the publicist say today about the “joke,” you ask? “That was the information I was given to send out.”

Whatever.

This is what the press release said, verbatim: “Known for their relentless touring and one-of-a-kind, fearless live show, Iwrestledabearonce have announced a change in musical direction. The group’s foray into black metal is exemplified by their newly designed logo (above) and band photo (below).”

Am I supposed to question every fucking press release I get from this publicist now? Every publicist? The point of sending out a fucking press release, for actual, real-life news reporters like me, is that you are giving factual information for print. You fucking assholes fucked your publicist over, and a lot of blogs went with the story as fact. This is going to end up backfiring on you big time.

Gun Shy Assassin — which prides itself on providing accurate fucking news to its readers — will never, ever fucking run a story on Iwrestledabearonce ever again. They fucking suck, they’re fucking fake and I wouldn’t fuck that butterball of a frontwoman even if I knew that afterwards, in my post-orgasmic state, the cure for cancer would somehow be revealed to me in graphic detail. I might pelt her with a dildo, but that’s it.

You are all lame assholes. I guess IWWMSO needed a gimmick to get people to give a fuck about them again.
 
Fuck this band. Let me reiterate — we will never cover IWABO ever again after today. They could end up crashing their van and burning to death on the side of the road in Iowa somewhere, and I won’t write about it. They’re done. Fucking lame-asses.
 
By the way, I can’t believe the dudes at MetalSucks support this and would align themselves with this awful band. But then again, they’ve never been journalists, so perhaps they just don’t fucking care that they made a bunch of other blogs look dumb. Thanks fellas.

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