Upon A Burning Body Are Not Funny

I’ll never get those two minutes back

They think they are. But they aren’t. In a new video that’s supposed to — I guess — make them look tough, they target metal’s red-headed stepchild, Attack Attack! Its so easy to make fun of that band, and yet…Upon A Burning Body fail pretty miserably.

These douches are sitting around a table in one of their moms’ kitchens, dressed in suits and playing poker. We hear the infamous theme music from The Godfather, which clues us to the fact that they’re supposed to be gangsters. Get it? All of a sudden, the fun is interrupted by a flier for an Attack Attack show.

“They look like us,” one of the douches says. First of all, why would you admit this, especially when its well-known Attack Attack!’s girl jeans and Peppermint Patty hairdos are one major cause for hatred against them. UABB then rattle on inaudibly about Attack Attack! and someone says “Fuck ‘em.” They post a number of fliers up on a dart board, and then spend a minute hurling darts at their enemies.

Then they pay homage to Scarface and — with fireworks — shoot the band’s picture. The video ends with someone saying “Punk ass motherfuckers.” Man, this may be the lamest beef of all time. Who’d win in a fight? Attack Attack!, Upon A Burning Body, or a pack of Girl Scouts?

I mean, who is this band to rip on another, equally shitty band. Hey Upon A Burning Body — sure, Attack Attack! suck, but I’ve got news for you…your band is pure garbage. Straight up. You should be drowning in a pool of acid instead of that vat of pussy you’re nose deep in.

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