You’ll Never Guess Who Deafheaven’s Newest Member Is

Big-name Irishman to help band explode

DeafheavenDeafheaven

Deafheaven

In October, Deafheaven vocalist George Clarke cryptically stated in an interview “we signed with Deathwish, we didn’t know what we were going to do, and not did they, but they had a lot of confidence in us. And we’ve developed, now, into a band that’s bigger than a label of that size is able to manage — we know that, and they know that.”

What could this mean? How big can an underground blackened shoegaze group honestly be?

Sources have answered this query for Gunshy Assassin, revealing that Deafheaven is about to be a household name and break through onto mainstream radio. “How,” you ask? They’ve added a Bono of U2 to their roster.

Clarke stated, “We are deliriously ecstatic to divulge that Bono has met Deaf Heaven at a nexus, he’s a major inspiration. We have daily adoration for his sunglasses. In fact, he sold me a pair of Ray-Bans after soliciting my phone and email myriad times. He’s persistent, he even recruited me and the rest of the band to his chain of subordinate peddlers. If any of you want some Ray-Bans, hit me up before I blow up your phone with Ray-Ban ads.”

“Kerry [McCoy, lead guitarist of Deaf Heaven] really digs Bono’s hair cuts, so that’s what he’s, kinda, like, appropriated from him,” continued Clarke. “Now we are, I don’t want to say blessed, but I guess we are, to have two whole members with haircuts worse than Nic Cage’s.”

Clarke added, “Freaky chicks dig weird hair. Like bad weird.”

At presstime, Bono related, “The second I heard the outro to ‘Dreamhouse’ off Sunbather, I just knew my voice would fit in so well since it already sounded like the Edge was playing our song ‘Where the Streets Have No Name.’ It was better than any U2 cover band I’ve ever heard!”

When asked about the next album, Bono stated that it would be a message focusing on social issues important to the band, like moms forcing their kids to wear sunscreen or not having enough reverb on your guitar. Clarke says his share of the lyrics will most likely have to deal with “ya know, whenever people hurt your feelings and it just feels all, ya know…lugubrious or disconsolate. Hurt feelings are the worst.”

After Clarke dropped those huge words, proving himself a total genius, Bono reached into his jacket and threw an ungodly amount of Lucky Charms onto the members of the press.

Deafheaven’s Roads to Joshua Tree will be out in 2015.

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